Closed off

Sometimes I really want to open up to someone, I just don't know how to start.  I don't want to make the other person feel weird, so I try to think of ways to go about it nonchalantly, but if I do that, then I'm not succeeding in my goal because that's not how I'm feeling.

I don't want to burden or distress or bore someone if they don't want to know.  But then that leaves no one to tell. 

It would be so great if someone could read my mind and ask me just the right question that opens up everything.  Or at least just nudge me to get me to start.

Ugh

Do you know what it's like to be eaten away at by passion?

It's a constant desire to do, to feel, to relive, to live and it's driving me crazy in a mixed up good bad awesome frustrating way.  Sorry for all the repetition, it's just that there's no single word to describe this.

I want to spread myself out to make everything come true.

Creativity

Recently I've been feeling great urges to Verb.  I want to do everything, try every single thing out.  What's getting me the most is kind of silly...  I want to write a trance album.  Nothing too spaced out, think DJ Onyx.  I haven't tried writing music in almost a decade (doesn't that kind of sentence make you feel old?).  But I've got some stuff to work with.  I've also been drawing a lot more pictures, but none are quite finished yet.

I'm not sure what I should do first, since all seem to have equal urgency on my list of wants.  So I keep ending up spastically switching between things with extreme focus until something in the real world pulls me away.  Last night I was late to pick up my boyfriend from work because I was so busy working on my food website and editing all sorts of different pictures.  I feel like my drive to be awesome is coming back, though it is hard to fight the laziness (damn you Baudelaire!).

Ranting

It won't always be so ranty.  It won't always be so sad and frustrated and angry.  Everything's a phase.  And even if life is what it is except for the distractions, there are at least the distractions.

People are strange

I have been feeling so weird lately and I'm having trouble putting words to it.

But it won't always be like this, sorry to be a let down for the moment.  It will get better.

It's very hard to be honest, so I might end up doing this whole angsty, mysterious thing until I open up a little more.

L is for...

These next couple of posts might  be a little depressing.  So sorry about that.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I don't trust anyone.  I know it's not my issue because she was only my friend (not family) but still, we've known each other since elementary school and I loved her.  I haven't even written anything because I've been overcome with this feeling of lethargy.  There's no point to anything right now, so I might as well distract myself with childish video games and cartoons, right?

I can't trust anyone, no one knows the whole story, everyone I know has been lied to and I can't stop now.

I might come back to this one day and be less vague, but probably not.