Reaching out

I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.

S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it  with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.

But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.

I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.


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I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.

An End

S and I broke up a few days ago.  We've been rocky since just before we left for Costa Rica and I think this has been building up since then--we were only incapable of doing anything about it because we were too reliant on each other.

In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life.  The goal was to get established and actually live there.  I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine.  After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica.  California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing.  Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.

We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday.  Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me.  I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.

At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live.  We don't know how much we should rely on old plans.  Though we're being civil, I think we need space.  Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.

Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge.  And how to say, too.  If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.

I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect.  I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves.  I hope things work out for both of us.

Be my shoulder

I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on.  That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time.  But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.

What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it.  Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch).  (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook.  The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here.  Fuck.  But any who.) 

Any who.

So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting.  I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation.  Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc.  Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me.  Hah.

It's all about power.  I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back.  He is trying his hand at being vindictive.  That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff.  He said he'd have it out by the end of December.  Didn't happen.  He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything.  He wants an excuse to come back and harass me.  It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat.  But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked. 

So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation."  That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear."  How the fuck am I supposed to take that?

And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me.  The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead.  He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus.  I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story.  I hate the one-sided-ness.  In some ways he is coming out on top.  At the current moment, he is living with his parents again.  That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money.  All he's got is hurt feelings.  I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment.  But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine. 

So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it.  I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches.  But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move.  And if not, then what do I do?  Stick around here, wasting time for another year?  Move in with one of my parents?  Move anyway?  Nothing seems like a good option.

Fuck I'm a downer today.  At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.

Misanthropic me

Sometimes I hate everything.  And sometimes I'm completely neutral or aloof.  I hardly ever feel up to social networking myself into friendships but then it bothers me that I don't know more people.  It'd be easier if I didn't care at all, if I really could just abandon everyone and be content with just me. 

Actually, that's not what I want.  What I want is Great friends.  Friends I feel connected to and who I can leave for a while then come back to.

Having moved around and living with the urge to be a nomad, I'm always torn and struggling with the idea of constantly leaving the people I get to know (or don't).  I want to travel, to go everywhere, but I can't bring everyone with me.  That's what makes Great friends so awesome.  When I go back to the few people I really feel connected to it's great.  There's no awkwardness and though things change, not the friendship itself.