Be my shoulder

I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on.  That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time.  But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.

What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it.  Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch).  (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook.  The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here.  Fuck.  But any who.) 

Any who.

So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting.  I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation.  Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc.  Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me.  Hah.

It's all about power.  I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back.  He is trying his hand at being vindictive.  That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff.  He said he'd have it out by the end of December.  Didn't happen.  He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything.  He wants an excuse to come back and harass me.  It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat.  But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked. 

So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation."  That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear."  How the fuck am I supposed to take that?

And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me.  The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead.  He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus.  I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story.  I hate the one-sided-ness.  In some ways he is coming out on top.  At the current moment, he is living with his parents again.  That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money.  All he's got is hurt feelings.  I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment.  But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine. 

So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it.  I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches.  But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move.  And if not, then what do I do?  Stick around here, wasting time for another year?  Move in with one of my parents?  Move anyway?  Nothing seems like a good option.

Fuck I'm a downer today.  At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.

A Bitching Article

As I start to type this post, I realize the possible misunderstanding that could arise from the title.  "A Bitching Article" or perhaps "A Bitchin' Article" could mean something that is so good, only expletives can adequately describe it.  Or it can mean "an article in which someone bitches."  Unfortunately, given my currrent state of existence, that's the one here.

I've been living with Mooch for about three months now and it's finally hit the breaking point.  He is gone by tomorrow night, thank god.  So, in a way, problems are solved (except financial ones, of course), but in a way they aren't.  The real problem is that it seems as though no one is reliable.  No one is capable of taking care of themselves. 

I will give you some back story to justify my mean attitude.

Three months ago, Mooch broke up with his girlfriend.  Devistated and desperate, whithout anywhere to go, Roommate, Ex, and I decided to let him sleep on our couch when he wasn't sleeping in his car.  Shortly thereafter, he lost his job due to failing to set his alarm clock and having accrued a goodly amount of tardy arrivals.  Note, this was his fault.  We continued to let him stay here, without pay, and even fed him.  Things got better for him within a week or so; he got two jobs and was feeling better about his girlfriend.  Despite this upturn in his life, he did not offer to buy food nor pay rent.

After a month, when Ex moved out, Mooch got his own room and started being responsable for a share of the bills.  Note I said "being responsable" not "paying."  That is part of where the current problem lies.  The two jobs gave him substantial funds with which to pay his first month's dues, but now that January is coming to a close, he is no longer capable.

His two jobs were at Papa John's (not very good; minimum wage and few hours) and a seasonal gig at UPS (great hours and pay, but again, only seasonal).  He knew it wouldn't last, yet he did nothing to ensure his ability to pay his share once the time had come.  He knew this was coming, but his laziness and selfishness prevented him from doing anything to stop this.  Should you find Mooch on the street and ask him about this, he would tell you that Roommate and I were well aware of the situation.  But the sitiation he is refering to, in fact, is that he was planning on leaving mid-Feburary.  Which has nothing to do with one's abilities to pay January's rent. 

Not only does he lack money due to the loss of his good job, but he is also constantly here.  I was out of town for Christmas and New Years, and since I have been back, I have only been in the apartment without him for 5 hours.  He is constantly present and makes his presence known.  And when Roommate and I choose not to keep his company, he sulks.  Even going so far as to cry loudly on the balcony outside of our room.  He is pathetic and will never do anything for himself.

At this point, all he has done to suppliment his income is ask me and Roommate to try to sell his Magic cards.  Here we are approaching a key part of the problem.  See, he is not just inept because that's how he is--there is more to it.  He is stunted.  He is a tall child.  Without help, he cannot manage to feed himself, to provide himself shelter, to get to work on time, to do anything by himself, or to even wipe his own ass.  I cannot tell you how many times he has stolen toilet paper from me for I have lost count. 

I feel like an idiot for putting up with it for so long, and even now he is doing laundry with water and soap he will not pay for.  He only started because I stepped out to go to the apartment office.  Tonight is his last night here and I will relish the moment of relief when I can be alone before the necessity of finding another roommate becomes pressing enough to ruin my contentment. 

This is what I get for trusing other people to be able to take care of themselves. 

Be careful what you hate

I've noticed that people pretend to like things that they find annoying.  I guess they're trying to be ironic?  I think that's where much of the success for shitty things comes from, like Jersey Shores, crappy music, and bad internet memes.  (I've lost friends to Jersey Shores, that's why I singled it out.  It's close to my heart, sigh.)

It's starts off a joke.  "Hey let's listen to that Waka Flaka song, it's so dumb!"  No harm, right?  Then it turns into, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I bought the box set of Jersey Shore and started fist pumping like a guido?--Haha, totally dude!"  It's a sneaky spiral that people constantly fall for. 

People are becoming what they hate.

But it doesn't have to happen.  When you don't like something, just don't listen to/watch/read it.  There's no point in subjecting yourself to something terrible just because you can make fun of it.  It's a fact that the more you subject yourself to something annoying, the more your brain enjoys it.  Even starts to crave it.  Remember those Head-On commercials?  That is something you will never forget in your entire life.

Not only does indulging in terrible things degrade your soul, it also makes producers want to make more terrible things.  The advertisers don't care why you watch/listen, the fact is that when you do, you're giving them money and telling them that what they're doing is ok.  It's not. 

Misanthropic me

Sometimes I hate everything.  And sometimes I'm completely neutral or aloof.  I hardly ever feel up to social networking myself into friendships but then it bothers me that I don't know more people.  It'd be easier if I didn't care at all, if I really could just abandon everyone and be content with just me. 

Actually, that's not what I want.  What I want is Great friends.  Friends I feel connected to and who I can leave for a while then come back to.

Having moved around and living with the urge to be a nomad, I'm always torn and struggling with the idea of constantly leaving the people I get to know (or don't).  I want to travel, to go everywhere, but I can't bring everyone with me.  That's what makes Great friends so awesome.  When I go back to the few people I really feel connected to it's great.  There's no awkwardness and though things change, not the friendship itself.