Reaching out

I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.

S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it  with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.

But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.

I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.


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I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.

On Trust and Good Conversation

I don't trust people.  I don't let them in because I feel it wouldn't work.  I deeply fear being misunderstood yet it's what happens regardless.  The rest is understandings of only a part of me.

Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen.  It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand.  Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.

Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life. 

I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality.  Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me.  Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook.  But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.

Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts.  People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have.  So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?

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The top part is from a couple of months ago, back in CA.  I'm having some similar feelings now.   Right now I've got a big, swelling wish.  I want to use the word urge, but it doesn't quite fit here.  I really want someone I can dump on.  I want to have a giant Conversation (not one-sided blog post) where I can get some feedback on what's going on in my head and life and maybe even some insight.  But I locked people out for a long time, so there's a lot of context that people don't know about.  It's hard to analyze the data I'm giving people since they don't have the foundation built since I've been so fucking quiet and misleading for so long.

I can't rely on S and for most of the friends I'm close with, I'm the ear and that's hard to change once people get used to it.  I have some newer relationships growing, but I don't want to be super intense and wigged out right from the get-go.  I want someone who will listen to me start to rant, help me when I stumble, not wig out if I cry, and maybe give me a hug.

But...

But.

Things aren't always bad

I realized that I'm kind of negative here, but that's mostly because this is where I come to rant.  But I want to express the good parts of life too.

For about a week or two my boyfriend and I were kind of in a slump--always tired, stressed, and feeling pressed for time.  We weren't taking the time to really do things right.  And this lead to boredom.  We kept going through the motions, but not really getting into anything. 

Let's take sex as an example.  I'm pretty needy in that department--two times a day is best--and that takes up a lot of time.  But he was getting bored and I was getting annoyed.  More sex wasn't helping, they just ended up being rushed episodes to get it out of the way so we could sleep.  No sex wasn't helping because I'd end up feeling frustrated at everything.  We didn't have any time to do anything and what time we had together we kept messing up for each other.

Then I had too much and said we needed to talk. 

After dropping that bomb, I left to go to work, with the intention that my thoughts would stew and I would be able to express myself clearly later that night.  That didn't happen.  He texted me instead and that started a really honest conversation that spelled out what each of us were going through.  We continued later that night and everything worked out so well that for the next two days I felt unnaturally happy. 

It was amazing to get all those pent up negative feelings off our chests and to have someone listen without freaking out or getting overly upset.  It was also good to see an end.  When I'm in a funk, it is hard to ever see the end.  But knowing that stuff like this happens, I have hope for all of the time.

It's the final countdown

So I'm out of this place in just about a month and ten days.

Which happens.

But what makes it feel weird this time is two things.  I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions.  The other part is how much people know about it.  I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.

People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time.  And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming.  I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone.  As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.

It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations.  I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time.  Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural.  I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like.  And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life.  And it works sometimes.  But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.

I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed.  My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better.  It might have ust been the free time though.

Man, I don't have focus.

I just feel trapped by money.  That's the real issue.  Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.


And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good.  Hah, money.

What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame.  There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.


So I'm leaving again soon.  I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can.  I can probably handle being a little sleepy.  And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.

Be my shoulder

I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on.  That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time.  But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.

What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it.  Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch).  (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook.  The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here.  Fuck.  But any who.) 

Any who.

So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting.  I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation.  Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc.  Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me.  Hah.

It's all about power.  I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back.  He is trying his hand at being vindictive.  That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff.  He said he'd have it out by the end of December.  Didn't happen.  He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything.  He wants an excuse to come back and harass me.  It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat.  But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked. 

So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation."  That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear."  How the fuck am I supposed to take that?

And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me.  The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead.  He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus.  I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story.  I hate the one-sided-ness.  In some ways he is coming out on top.  At the current moment, he is living with his parents again.  That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money.  All he's got is hurt feelings.  I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment.  But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine. 

So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it.  I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches.  But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move.  And if not, then what do I do?  Stick around here, wasting time for another year?  Move in with one of my parents?  Move anyway?  Nothing seems like a good option.

Fuck I'm a downer today.  At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.

Antiquated infatuation

Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with the past.  I have trouble relating to politics today because I only know about the roots.  Same as with literature--I have no idea what big trends are happening right now, but ask be about turn of the century and a little after (and of course before), I'll talk your ear off.  It feels alienating because I'm unable to talk to many people.  About half of my current friends didn't go to college, don't have any interest to go, and some are all out intellectual-haters.  I don't know how it happened, but maybe it's just *insert regionalist slur*. 

But then sometimes I look at the big picture and it seems like a bunch of society is doing it.  Think about how many efforts are out there to restore art and architecture.  In ways unlike before, we are studying the past without destroying it.  This is somewhat due to innovations in technology--we no longer have to cut open mummies, we have ultrasound, etc etc.  But it also seems to be something that appeals to us at this moment.  Vintage clothing, retro style is all about cataloging the past and incorporating it into the present.  It seems like this is happening to the extent that today, we don't have an identity--everything is a mashed-up, borrowed combination of every previous trend. 

This reminds me of Girl Talk and other mash-up musicians.  I wonder about the authenticity of their craft.  Yes they are creating, but not from individual materials.  But if you think about music specifically, it's pretty much been impossible to make anything new for centuries.  There are only so many notes, so many novel combinations.  But listening to his music, it's impossible to say that his songs don't evoke different emotions than their original pieces.   Yet, when I recognize the components, it just reminds me of how I feel when I listen to them individually. 

And even still, writing about this idea that nothing is new, everything is done, I can't help but think about Baudelaire and how not much has changed in 150 years.

A wa re

There's probably no escaping me talking about literature since it's such a huge part of my life.  It's what I study and it's what connects Everything to Everything.  So here's another post about it.

One of my favorite books is The Tale of Genji.  I'm not quite sure why, but I've been thinking it through recently.  I think a part of that book for me is feeling like I can relate to certain aspects of that world.  At least I find some of it appealing.  In a strange way, it feels like nostalgia, though I know I wasn't around during the Heian period.

I feel a longing for that kind of world where all that exists strives to be beautiful, and that beauty exists not only topically, but on a spiritual level.  Being beautiful is being godly.  But since nothing on this plane of existence is truly godly, everything will pass, will fade away, will lose it's shine, will be reduced to nothing.  That is あわれ, the inherit sadness of all things beautiful.  It's a type of pleasant sadness that is very appealing and universal.  Nothing can escape the flow of time; that is what destroys everything.  As each moment passes, it will no longer exist.  It is lost forever.  Memories are a sort of pleasant torture.  There's happiness at having felt/experienced whatever emotion, but sadness at knowing that it will never again be.  It is nothing that can be combated against; all there is is to accept it and try to appreciate every passing moment.  No matter what, life is sad.