I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.
S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.
But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.
I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.
===
I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
An End
S and I broke up a few days ago. We've been rocky since just before we left for Costa Rica and I think this has been building up since then--we were only incapable of doing anything about it because we were too reliant on each other.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Urban Camping
This is my current inventory:
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
- (3) notebooks
- (1) book
- (1) sketchbook
- (5) pens
- (1) wallet
- (?) tampons
- (1) clothespin
- (1) toothbrush
- (1) knife
- (2) sets of keys
- (1) headphones
- (1) mini pack of color pencils
- (1) outfit
- (1) work outfit
- (1) watch
- (4) ponytails/rubber band
- (1) stick of deodorant
- (1) light jacket
- (1) inkwell
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Upside down and Backwards
I am ruled by opposites.
I feel like a negative representation of a person--like when you invert the colors on a picture.
I hold beliefs that I don't want so that I may be convinced that they are wrong. Determinism is a great example of that. I don't want to believe it, but its just too convincing at the moment.
And in my introspective-outrospective moments I more often think about what image I don't want to portray than what I actually want to be.
I feel like a negative representation of a person--like when you invert the colors on a picture.
I hold beliefs that I don't want so that I may be convinced that they are wrong. Determinism is a great example of that. I don't want to believe it, but its just too convincing at the moment.
And in my introspective-outrospective moments I more often think about what image I don't want to portray than what I actually want to be.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
It's the final countdown
So I'm out of this place in just about a month and ten days.
Which happens.
But what makes it feel weird this time is two things. I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions. The other part is how much people know about it. I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.
People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time. And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming. I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone. As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.
It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations. I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time. Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural. I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like. And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life. And it works sometimes. But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.
I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed. My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better. It might have ust been the free time though.
Man, I don't have focus.
I just feel trapped by money. That's the real issue. Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.
And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good. Hah, money.
What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame. There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.
So I'm leaving again soon. I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can. I can probably handle being a little sleepy. And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.
Which happens.
But what makes it feel weird this time is two things. I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions. The other part is how much people know about it. I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.
People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time. And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming. I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone. As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.
It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations. I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time. Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural. I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like. And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life. And it works sometimes. But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.
I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed. My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better. It might have ust been the free time though.
Man, I don't have focus.
I just feel trapped by money. That's the real issue. Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.
And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good. Hah, money.
What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame. There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.
So I'm leaving again soon. I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can. I can probably handle being a little sleepy. And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Fuck Baudelaire
OK, two things:
I apparently know some crazy ass people and drugs seem like a crazy amazing adventure.
I've always wanted to explore. Explore everything. Every kind of everything.
A friend of mine just told me about speed balls and when he was living his crazy, horrible, ghetto ass, fucked up, amazingly interesting life he could do two of those in a row.
And oh my god he will testify to what kind of shitty life he was living at the time, but I don't know what that's like and I want to.
The derelict and impoverished (both financially and every other sort of way) side of life have some horrible beautiful appeal. It is another frontier I have yet to cross.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A Bitching Article
As I start to type this post, I realize the possible misunderstanding that could arise from the title. "A Bitching Article" or perhaps "A Bitchin' Article" could mean something that is so good, only expletives can adequately describe it. Or it can mean "an article in which someone bitches." Unfortunately, given my currrent state of existence, that's the one here.
I've been living with Mooch for about three months now and it's finally hit the breaking point. He is gone by tomorrow night, thank god. So, in a way, problems are solved (except financial ones, of course), but in a way they aren't. The real problem is that it seems as though no one is reliable. No one is capable of taking care of themselves.
I will give you some back story to justify my mean attitude.
Three months ago, Mooch broke up with his girlfriend. Devistated and desperate, whithout anywhere to go, Roommate, Ex, and I decided to let him sleep on our couch when he wasn't sleeping in his car. Shortly thereafter, he lost his job due to failing to set his alarm clock and having accrued a goodly amount of tardy arrivals. Note, this was his fault. We continued to let him stay here, without pay, and even fed him. Things got better for him within a week or so; he got two jobs and was feeling better about his girlfriend. Despite this upturn in his life, he did not offer to buy food nor pay rent.
After a month, when Ex moved out, Mooch got his own room and started being responsable for a share of the bills. Note I said "being responsable" not "paying." That is part of where the current problem lies. The two jobs gave him substantial funds with which to pay his first month's dues, but now that January is coming to a close, he is no longer capable.
His two jobs were at Papa John's (not very good; minimum wage and few hours) and a seasonal gig at UPS (great hours and pay, but again, only seasonal). He knew it wouldn't last, yet he did nothing to ensure his ability to pay his share once the time had come. He knew this was coming, but his laziness and selfishness prevented him from doing anything to stop this. Should you find Mooch on the street and ask him about this, he would tell you that Roommate and I were well aware of the situation. But the sitiation he is refering to, in fact, is that he was planning on leaving mid-Feburary. Which has nothing to do with one's abilities to pay January's rent.
Not only does he lack money due to the loss of his good job, but he is also constantly here. I was out of town for Christmas and New Years, and since I have been back, I have only been in the apartment without him for 5 hours. He is constantly present and makes his presence known. And when Roommate and I choose not to keep his company, he sulks. Even going so far as to cry loudly on the balcony outside of our room. He is pathetic and will never do anything for himself.
At this point, all he has done to suppliment his income is ask me and Roommate to try to sell his Magic cards. Here we are approaching a key part of the problem. See, he is not just inept because that's how he is--there is more to it. He is stunted. He is a tall child. Without help, he cannot manage to feed himself, to provide himself shelter, to get to work on time, to do anything by himself, or to even wipe his own ass. I cannot tell you how many times he has stolen toilet paper from me for I have lost count.
I feel like an idiot for putting up with it for so long, and even now he is doing laundry with water and soap he will not pay for. He only started because I stepped out to go to the apartment office. Tonight is his last night here and I will relish the moment of relief when I can be alone before the necessity of finding another roommate becomes pressing enough to ruin my contentment.
This is what I get for trusing other people to be able to take care of themselves.
I've been living with Mooch for about three months now and it's finally hit the breaking point. He is gone by tomorrow night, thank god. So, in a way, problems are solved (except financial ones, of course), but in a way they aren't. The real problem is that it seems as though no one is reliable. No one is capable of taking care of themselves.
I will give you some back story to justify my mean attitude.
Three months ago, Mooch broke up with his girlfriend. Devistated and desperate, whithout anywhere to go, Roommate, Ex, and I decided to let him sleep on our couch when he wasn't sleeping in his car. Shortly thereafter, he lost his job due to failing to set his alarm clock and having accrued a goodly amount of tardy arrivals. Note, this was his fault. We continued to let him stay here, without pay, and even fed him. Things got better for him within a week or so; he got two jobs and was feeling better about his girlfriend. Despite this upturn in his life, he did not offer to buy food nor pay rent.
After a month, when Ex moved out, Mooch got his own room and started being responsable for a share of the bills. Note I said "being responsable" not "paying." That is part of where the current problem lies. The two jobs gave him substantial funds with which to pay his first month's dues, but now that January is coming to a close, he is no longer capable.
His two jobs were at Papa John's (not very good; minimum wage and few hours) and a seasonal gig at UPS (great hours and pay, but again, only seasonal). He knew it wouldn't last, yet he did nothing to ensure his ability to pay his share once the time had come. He knew this was coming, but his laziness and selfishness prevented him from doing anything to stop this. Should you find Mooch on the street and ask him about this, he would tell you that Roommate and I were well aware of the situation. But the sitiation he is refering to, in fact, is that he was planning on leaving mid-Feburary. Which has nothing to do with one's abilities to pay January's rent.
Not only does he lack money due to the loss of his good job, but he is also constantly here. I was out of town for Christmas and New Years, and since I have been back, I have only been in the apartment without him for 5 hours. He is constantly present and makes his presence known. And when Roommate and I choose not to keep his company, he sulks. Even going so far as to cry loudly on the balcony outside of our room. He is pathetic and will never do anything for himself.
At this point, all he has done to suppliment his income is ask me and Roommate to try to sell his Magic cards. Here we are approaching a key part of the problem. See, he is not just inept because that's how he is--there is more to it. He is stunted. He is a tall child. Without help, he cannot manage to feed himself, to provide himself shelter, to get to work on time, to do anything by himself, or to even wipe his own ass. I cannot tell you how many times he has stolen toilet paper from me for I have lost count.
I feel like an idiot for putting up with it for so long, and even now he is doing laundry with water and soap he will not pay for. He only started because I stepped out to go to the apartment office. Tonight is his last night here and I will relish the moment of relief when I can be alone before the necessity of finding another roommate becomes pressing enough to ruin my contentment.
This is what I get for trusing other people to be able to take care of themselves.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
An Awkward Spot
That last post was kind of old, actually pretty old. It was from this summer when I kind of feel like I had a sort of breakdown. Thinking about it now, I've been leading myself up to it, so it wasn't actually a very big surprise.
I didn't feel like I could read people anymore because I'd slowly but surely been isolating myself from everyone. All conversations became superficial and I stopped being able to find anything to talk to anyone about. I felt like I could manage my feelings on my own and didn't (feel the need to / want to / trust anyone enough to) talk about anything that was really on my mind. I think a lot of people feel that way, though. (Saying things like that helps me belittle the idea of feelings, which makes it easier to remain a closed shell.)
I had a boyfriend for several years. And then I broke up with him. It wasn't as sudden as my syntax implies, though. I'd been thinking about it for a year or two but felt unable to do anything about it. I actually tried, once, to break it off. But we weren't able to move and so I was stuck living with him. He asked me to get back together and I said yes for convenience. My plan was to get him a new roommate and then leave the situation, but things didn't work out.
I ended up breaking up with him then later slept with a mutual friend, our roommate. Understandibly, that caused a whole mess of drama.
After the break-up, my ex decided to confess that he had been suicidal and depressed for months and that our roommate and I were the best people to handle the situation, to make him feel better, and banish those terrible thoughts from his head. We did what we thought would help, but we were ignorant of the right solutions, being mere people. It was a stressful and unpleasant situation for everybody, and lead to lots of isolation for everyone. I know that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it, without incurring worry and meddlesome other people who were equally ill-equipped to deal with the situation. So I tried to deal with it. Roommate and I found comfort in each other. Many nights, Ex would fall asleep on the couch early and Rommate and I would talk. Often times late into the night.
One of these nights, we happened upon a bottle of whisky and ended up fucking on the balcony.
That did not sit well with Ex.
(This post has become something entirely different than what I had imagined.)
During a horrible night, and after much coaxing, Ex broke Roommate's jaw.
What followed was a combination of guilt, anger, confusion, and sexual frustration. I had been attracted to Roommate for a while due to his personality and life-experience, but had never let on or done anything about it until that night. And based on everything I knew about him, I wasn't expecting anything more than sex from him, but much more has evolved since then. Despite that, we still cling to the idea of being in an open relationship. (Funnily enough, I'm the only one who has actively done anything to uphold this title.) I'm starting to skip parts of history to get to what's really on my mind.
We announced to each other our desire to be in a relationship on Halloween and began to end some of the awkwardness in dealing with encroaching feelings. But like I said, it's an open relationship. This is my first time doing anything like this and I don't know all the rules, but I have started to notice some issues. None of the other people I've gotten involved with want to leave it at just sex. People have a habit of falling for me. And I don't know how to deal with it.
So right now I'm in a relationship that was never supposed to be, but which has turned out to be quite nice. I actually really enjoy it. There's no such thing as perfect, but most of the time I'm having fun. But on the other hand there is a guy from work who seems to want to be there for me in all the ways I doubt about Roommate--it's hard to believe in the emotional side of a sex-based relationship, despite when he tries to comfort me.
I'm being rushed to leave and end my rant. Goodnight
I didn't feel like I could read people anymore because I'd slowly but surely been isolating myself from everyone. All conversations became superficial and I stopped being able to find anything to talk to anyone about. I felt like I could manage my feelings on my own and didn't (feel the need to / want to / trust anyone enough to) talk about anything that was really on my mind. I think a lot of people feel that way, though. (Saying things like that helps me belittle the idea of feelings, which makes it easier to remain a closed shell.)
I had a boyfriend for several years. And then I broke up with him. It wasn't as sudden as my syntax implies, though. I'd been thinking about it for a year or two but felt unable to do anything about it. I actually tried, once, to break it off. But we weren't able to move and so I was stuck living with him. He asked me to get back together and I said yes for convenience. My plan was to get him a new roommate and then leave the situation, but things didn't work out.
I ended up breaking up with him then later slept with a mutual friend, our roommate. Understandibly, that caused a whole mess of drama.
After the break-up, my ex decided to confess that he had been suicidal and depressed for months and that our roommate and I were the best people to handle the situation, to make him feel better, and banish those terrible thoughts from his head. We did what we thought would help, but we were ignorant of the right solutions, being mere people. It was a stressful and unpleasant situation for everybody, and lead to lots of isolation for everyone. I know that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it, without incurring worry and meddlesome other people who were equally ill-equipped to deal with the situation. So I tried to deal with it. Roommate and I found comfort in each other. Many nights, Ex would fall asleep on the couch early and Rommate and I would talk. Often times late into the night.
One of these nights, we happened upon a bottle of whisky and ended up fucking on the balcony.
That did not sit well with Ex.
(This post has become something entirely different than what I had imagined.)
During a horrible night, and after much coaxing, Ex broke Roommate's jaw.
What followed was a combination of guilt, anger, confusion, and sexual frustration. I had been attracted to Roommate for a while due to his personality and life-experience, but had never let on or done anything about it until that night. And based on everything I knew about him, I wasn't expecting anything more than sex from him, but much more has evolved since then. Despite that, we still cling to the idea of being in an open relationship. (Funnily enough, I'm the only one who has actively done anything to uphold this title.) I'm starting to skip parts of history to get to what's really on my mind.
We announced to each other our desire to be in a relationship on Halloween and began to end some of the awkwardness in dealing with encroaching feelings. But like I said, it's an open relationship. This is my first time doing anything like this and I don't know all the rules, but I have started to notice some issues. None of the other people I've gotten involved with want to leave it at just sex. People have a habit of falling for me. And I don't know how to deal with it.
So right now I'm in a relationship that was never supposed to be, but which has turned out to be quite nice. I actually really enjoy it. There's no such thing as perfect, but most of the time I'm having fun. But on the other hand there is a guy from work who seems to want to be there for me in all the ways I doubt about Roommate--it's hard to believe in the emotional side of a sex-based relationship, despite when he tries to comfort me.
I'm being rushed to leave and end my rant. Goodnight
Monday, August 9, 2010
Forever tired
I will never feel rested, but that's kind of not a problem. I have a crazy strong urge to make the best out of every single second that I can barely let myself sleep. At times this is a good thing, but if I'm ever in a situation where I can't do anything or feel I can't do anything, it is absolutely crushing.
It is a good motivator, but it's also depressing. There's always going to be down time. I can't always do everything ever. And that sucks, but I need to learn to deal with it without accepting it too much that way I'll still have the drive to do all the awesome stuff I want.
It is a good motivator, but it's also depressing. There's always going to be down time. I can't always do everything ever. And that sucks, but I need to learn to deal with it without accepting it too much that way I'll still have the drive to do all the awesome stuff I want.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Ugh
Do you know what it's like to be eaten away at by passion?
It's a constant desire to do, to feel, to relive, to live and it's driving me crazy in a mixed up good bad awesome frustrating way. Sorry for all the repetition, it's just that there's no single word to describe this.
I want to spread myself out to make everything come true.
It's a constant desire to do, to feel, to relive, to live and it's driving me crazy in a mixed up good bad awesome frustrating way. Sorry for all the repetition, it's just that there's no single word to describe this.
I want to spread myself out to make everything come true.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
People are strange
I have been feeling so weird lately and I'm having trouble putting words to it.
But it won't always be like this, sorry to be a let down for the moment. It will get better.
It's very hard to be honest, so I might end up doing this whole angsty, mysterious thing until I open up a little more.
But it won't always be like this, sorry to be a let down for the moment. It will get better.
It's very hard to be honest, so I might end up doing this whole angsty, mysterious thing until I open up a little more.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
L is for...
These next couple of posts might be a little depressing. So sorry about that.
I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I don't trust anyone. I know it's not my issue because she was only my friend (not family) but still, we've known each other since elementary school and I loved her. I haven't even written anything because I've been overcome with this feeling of lethargy. There's no point to anything right now, so I might as well distract myself with childish video games and cartoons, right?
I can't trust anyone, no one knows the whole story, everyone I know has been lied to and I can't stop now.
I might come back to this one day and be less vague, but probably not.
I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I don't trust anyone. I know it's not my issue because she was only my friend (not family) but still, we've known each other since elementary school and I loved her. I haven't even written anything because I've been overcome with this feeling of lethargy. There's no point to anything right now, so I might as well distract myself with childish video games and cartoons, right?
I can't trust anyone, no one knows the whole story, everyone I know has been lied to and I can't stop now.
I might come back to this one day and be less vague, but probably not.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Moving on Up
For the most part, every move I've ever made has been to somewhere better. As I grew up, I went from whay my family lovingly called "the crack house" (where we lived when I was around 2-3) to "the big blue house" and "the house in Orange Tree," etc. And for the most part, every new place has been better. Even now, living sort of on my own, I'm still experiencing that. I'm currently in the middle of moving, and even though my new place is a little smaller, I don't have to deal with the same petty roommate issues like in my last place. So in many ways, it feels so much better.
(Man I want to rant about roommate bullshit so much right now, but I feel wrong burdening you--maybe later then.)
So far I've got everything I need. There are a couple things I want, like more bookshelves (apparently 3 isn't enough), a coffee table, etc, but I've got all the basics of personal happiness--my very well stocked kitchen (hoo-ray for families), my comfy sheets, my tora. I expect all should go well. I've even started decorating a little. Most of the boxes are still packed, and I've started decorating. But hey, it makes me like the place that much more because I'm able to express myself in more than just my corner of my room. I'll load pictures soon, my homage to Don Quixote makes me smile in a special way.
The view from my balcony before they cut my tree.
(Man I want to rant about roommate bullshit so much right now, but I feel wrong burdening you--maybe later then.)
So far I've got everything I need. There are a couple things I want, like more bookshelves (apparently 3 isn't enough), a coffee table, etc, but I've got all the basics of personal happiness--my very well stocked kitchen (hoo-ray for families), my comfy sheets, my tora. I expect all should go well. I've even started decorating a little. Most of the boxes are still packed, and I've started decorating. But hey, it makes me like the place that much more because I'm able to express myself in more than just my corner of my room. I'll load pictures soon, my homage to Don Quixote makes me smile in a special way.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I would make a terrible Buddhist
It's not because of a tolerance issue or anything, it's just because I want too much. I won't be happy if I spend my life at some job I don't love and never being able to accomplish what I want.
Maybe it's a good thing; I have drive. But maybe not.
I want to...
Go to grad school for comparative literature, become an expert, and write books.
Travel the world and actually Live in the places I go to.
Teach English abroad.
Be passively successful (so as to avoid a crappy job).
Have skills, learn how to do everything that piques my interest.
Have an extensive library in whatever place I call home.
Never have to worry about money during my crazy adventures.
They seem impossible, but at the same time I'm hopeful. I feel like if I work and hope hard enough, then I'll get there.
Wish me luck.
Maybe it's a good thing; I have drive. But maybe not.
I want to...
Go to grad school for comparative literature, become an expert, and write books.
Travel the world and actually Live in the places I go to.
Teach English abroad.
Be passively successful (so as to avoid a crappy job).
Have skills, learn how to do everything that piques my interest.
Have an extensive library in whatever place I call home.
Never have to worry about money during my crazy adventures.
They seem impossible, but at the same time I'm hopeful. I feel like if I work and hope hard enough, then I'll get there.
Wish me luck.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I just spent my Sunday walking through the forest in 3 inch heels
This past weekend was the opening weekend of Sherwood Forest. Which is basically a smaller Renaissance Festival. And it was bad ass.
I made my own costume this time. That was the first time I've ever done anything like that, and even though it wasn't very elaborate, I think it came out nicely.
I made my own costume this time. That was the first time I've ever done anything like that, and even though it wasn't very elaborate, I think it came out nicely.
It was really simple. I had an old green dress that I wore once as part of a Halloween costume that I'd never worn since. That's what made my tank top and skirt. I used eyelets and a shoelace to make the lace up the front of the tank. They eyelets came from a craft store and cost less than $5, the shoelaces from the grocery store. The belt came from Ross and the stockings are just generic stockings.
My favorite part is the boots.
I got them as a Christmas present recently. They were kind of expensive, but I've been getting a lot of use out of them. Though they are tall, they're not terribly uncomfortable, and they're basically my first pair of heels and I've been managing them perfectly. They also work really well with jeans.
I actually tried on some clothes while I was there too and there was one specific outfit that I liked a lot.
I really liked this one. Especially the corset (they're so sexy!). But the cheapest part of that outfit was $40, so I don't think I'll be getting it for a while. But the good news is that it is made up of very simple components: two skirts, a shirt with an open front, and a corset. I do already have a corset and some flowy skirts, so I tried to recreate it at home.
To make it more interesting, I tucked up a part of the skirts into my waist. It made it look more ruffly and brought out a nice color contrast.
The corset came from Charlotte Russe and was around $3 (hoo-ray for the discount rack!)
The skirts were hand me downs from my mom, but they have been growing in popularity and I think I saw some at Forever 21 last time I was there
And the shirt was just a tight, low cut shirt I got from somewhere in France, H&M, I think.
It was a fair attempt at a reproduction, I think. And because it was less extreme, it's something I could possibly were around (should I ever gather the courage to wear a skirt outside).
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