S and I broke up a few days ago. We've been rocky since just before we left for Costa Rica and I think this has been building up since then--we were only incapable of doing anything about it because we were too reliant on each other.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
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