Fuck Baudelaire

OK, two things:

I apparently know some crazy ass people and drugs seem like a crazy amazing adventure.

I've always wanted to explore. Explore everything. Every kind of everything.

A friend of mine just told me about speed balls and when he was living his crazy, horrible, ghetto ass, fucked up, amazingly interesting life he could do two of those in a row.

And oh my god he will testify to what kind of shitty life he was living at the time, but I don't know what that's like and I want to.

The derelict and impoverished (both financially and every other sort of way) side of life have some horrible beautiful appeal.  It is another frontier I have yet to cross.

I've got the grad school bug again

Ever since I got reunited with my grandpa over this last Christmas, I've been thinking a lot about family and genetics.  I've also been obsessed with determinism ever since I first heard of the idea.  Christmas got me fucked up with genetic determinism.


The thing is, it makes so much since.  I am so convinced that reality is dictated in a calculate-able, predictable, sensible way and there is no escaping it and we all lack free will.  I hate it and don't want it to be true so I'm reading everything I can to convince myself that it's not.  


I just finished reading "Who's in Charge" by Michael Gazzaniga and it is really good.  I recommend it to anyone interested in a deeper understanding of the mechanisms of the brain.  It did't quite convince me, but it made a really good case.  My current stance is that although complex systems can't be predicted, and human interactions and just even human existence is not only a complicated system, but a complicated interaction of multiple complicated systems, I still think that once we know more these calculations and predictions could be made.  I think they could, but I hope they can't.


How this relates to grad school is such:
I am interested in ideas.  When I studied literature, I studied it comparatively--how cultures and time periods interact to shape one another.  It is a representation of minds bumping into each other within one of our many complicated systems as humans.  It's mental evolution.  Through studying literature, you can see into the mind of the author, see where he came from, and see the people around him--his society--the world.  Books are doors.


There is a more precise study of ideas that I need to learn more about before I commit myself to it and that is the study of memes.  Memes are like the genes of thoughts. They are the building blocks of ideas and are transmitted and can evolve just like viruses.  


I would love to do a collaborative study with a neuroscientist involving memes, broadly, literature, specifically, and their quantitative role in the human mind.


There are so many places I would like to go with this!  For me, this seems to open doors to everything.


I just need to find what kind of program that would be and where I could find it.

Shut up ho, you got too much self-confidence

I feel like people a lot of times don't have enough doubt.  That they're too adamant about what they think they know, and with a little, well-measured self doubt, many misunderstandings and arguments wouldn't happen.  I'd also think of fewer people as complete dumbasses. 

Insisting on something that is wrong is infuriating for those who know.  Especially since those who are pushing their misconceptions usually aren't open to being corrected.  I guess all of this stems back to ignorance.  Nobody wants to be ignorant, which is kind of understandable.  But instead of recognizing and doing something about it, many tend to pick an idea and run with it, defending it until the end, even when they don't even know why they think it in the first place.

I'm a person who likes to argue/debate.  But this is something that makes it incredibly difficult.  There can be no debate, no moving forward, if nobody recognizes that they might not know everything.  Within my circle of people I know, I think this is related to the anti-intellectual trend around here.  Some try very hard to prove that they don't have to care about learning to be a smart-ass, while others are so devoted to the idea that school is necessary that they feel like they can't be defeated in any sort of debate, ever.  Both sides are wrong, but neither is able to compromise. 

The more you learn, the more you come to realize that you don't know hardly anything.  I've really come to see that this semester as I've been branching out, particularly in government.  But this is something people refuse to accept.  Everyone is an expert of their own perception, and then they impose that on the rest of us.

I'm such a nerd

I have to say that I love school.  I always feel best when I have classes to go to instead of being stuck at work, day after day doing the same thing.  To me, work seems like a Sartre-esque Hell.  There's absolutely nothing new that happens whereas school is a door to so much interesting stuff.

The first couple days of school are always some of my favorites.  In getting to know the professors, they always reveal their passion for their subject either through lively gestures or intense, never ending knowledge.  That's what I love.

I love that it's a place where everything is interesting, even the "boring" subjects because you can always find some who crazy about it and who's willing to talk your ear off (in the best way possible).  Being surrounded by passion is one of the greatest feelings.

Rosario Castellanos

I'm currently taking a Spanish Literature class called "South American Literature since Post Modernism" and when I signed up for it I didn't know what I was getting in to.  I've taken more than one lit class, but they've mostly been in French, and we barely made it past WWII.  For the first time in a while (in a lit class) I was a little lost.

But it's turning out to be awesome.  I've discovering a whole new world and new ways of thinking.  (One thing that I love most about literature is the philosophy behind the movements.  And I can't even decide which one I like the most.  For a while it was the Enlightenment, but then I started learning about the Romantics and after that resurged my love of Poe and came my discovery of Baudelaire and then how his way of thinking influenced the modernist movement and how everything comes from everything else.  I just get overwhelmed with the awesomeness of literary evolution that I can't even write a proper sentence.)

I feel so inspired everyday I walk out of that class.  And I never gripe about doing the readings.  Sometimes it even makes me want to write myself.  The modernists inspired poetry in me, and I plan to start working on that soon.  I've also grown the desire to become a cosmopolita ensayista and write about the world.

And today we talked about Rosario Castellanos.  I've always been a bit weary about feminist literature because most of what I've been exposed to was stereotypes about the feminazi and that just wasn't appealing to me.  It's true that I had read some works in high school that stuck out to me, but I never moved on past those.  The two that have stayed with me are "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin and and essay "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady (Syfers).  Both left an impression on me, and I enjoyed both very much.  I like sad, dramatic, meaningful endings and irony.  They're different from one another but share the same feminist message.  Rosario Castellanos was very similar to both of them.  She has a sharp irony that doesn't hide her meaning.  And one thing I thought about today was the fact that feminist writers have to be extremely talented.  Their message and ideology rely on the fact that women are just as good as men (sometimes better) and to prove that they have to Be better than men.  To prove their worth as writers, they have to surpass their male peers in their shared craft.  They have to be extremely ironic, witty and knowledgeable to even be noticed, and this leads to the development of writers of extreme talent.

Right now I am majoring in French and Spanish.  I do plan on teaching abroad, but as far as continuing my studies goes, I've been considering delving into Comparative Literature.  Today's lecture made me start considering focusing on the feminist movements in both regions (the only problem is that I don't know a whole lot about France's feminist movements, so I'll have to get working on that).

I'm really grateful to be in school.  Sure there are dumb greedy burecratical issues, but there's so much knowledge to be gained I almost can't stand it.


Update from 5/21/13:

I've found myself returning to Latin American literature.  The spark came one night when M, S, R, and I were drinking in a park at night and two strangers approached.  One was a poet and loved to talk ideas.  We talked about the art of today--the poetry and break dancing, music and movement--and where it comes from.  It got me thinking in old veins.

A few days ago I was temporally stranded so I took shelter in the library nearby and checked out multiple books, one of which is  "Interviews with Latin American Writers" by Marie-Lise Gazarian Gautier.

The first interview is with Isabel Allende who recognizes that she comes "from a continent where women have had to make twice the effort to obtain half the recognition in any field" (21).  Especially when it comes to writing.  Writing handles Ideas and "[g]aining acceptance into the world of ideas has been the hardest task for women" (21). 

I think that this is a truth on more than her continent but it is one that has been surpassed to some extent.  Maybe surpassed is too strong a word then, because we haven't gotten rid of it completely.  Women are accepted in most fields, but still not quite seen as equals.  We still need to prove ourselves by out-doing everyone else. 

I would make a terrible Buddhist

It's not because of a tolerance issue or anything, it's just because I want too much.  I won't be happy if I spend my life at some job I don't love and never being able to accomplish what I want.
Maybe it's a good thing; I have drive.  But maybe not.

I want to...
Go to grad school for comparative literature, become an expert, and write books.
Travel the world and actually Live in the places I go to.
Teach English abroad.
Be passively successful (so as to avoid a crappy job).
Have skills, learn how to do everything that piques my interest.
Have an extensive library in whatever place I call home.
Never have to worry about money during my crazy adventures.

They seem impossible, but at the same time I'm hopeful.  I feel like if I work and hope hard enough, then I'll get there.

Wish me luck.

Scholarships

These next few days might be a little bare.  I just found out that I'm eligible for a scholarship from the French Department, but the deadline for the application is the 26th (oh no!) and I still need to go get a letter of recommendation.  It should work out, but there will definitely be some running around.

I'm also looking into becoming a tutor to help out with the money worries.  (My job recently started cutting my hours and I'm only able to work three days out of the week in the first place, so that kind of sucks.)  But that's not very stressful.  Wish me luck!  I'll let you know how things end up.