On Trust and Good Conversation

I don't trust people.  I don't let them in because I feel it wouldn't work.  I deeply fear being misunderstood yet it's what happens regardless.  The rest is understandings of only a part of me.

Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen.  It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand.  Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.

Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life. 

I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality.  Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me.  Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook.  But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.

Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts.  People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have.  So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?

***

The top part is from a couple of months ago, back in CA.  I'm having some similar feelings now.   Right now I've got a big, swelling wish.  I want to use the word urge, but it doesn't quite fit here.  I really want someone I can dump on.  I want to have a giant Conversation (not one-sided blog post) where I can get some feedback on what's going on in my head and life and maybe even some insight.  But I locked people out for a long time, so there's a lot of context that people don't know about.  It's hard to analyze the data I'm giving people since they don't have the foundation built since I've been so fucking quiet and misleading for so long.

I can't rely on S and for most of the friends I'm close with, I'm the ear and that's hard to change once people get used to it.  I have some newer relationships growing, but I don't want to be super intense and wigged out right from the get-go.  I want someone who will listen to me start to rant, help me when I stumble, not wig out if I cry, and maybe give me a hug.

But...

But.

Southern Renaissance

A little while back I read a book of Flannery O'Connor's essays.  It's been a while since I've read any of her work or even thought about the grotesque movement in literature, but the coincidental reminder was welcome. 

It was nice to see that the South had once held an esteemed place in the culture of America--it wasn't always seen as a joke.  And though people and situations down there can be crazy, I feel like something is changing.

I've been living in California since leaving Costa Rica in September 2012 and the lesson that keeps coming to mind every time I move to California is that it's a nice place to visit, but not live.  But there's been guilt about wanting to go back to Austin.  I do feel the pressures to live somewhere more "cultured" and "full of opportunities" but the more I hear that from people, the more I realize those opportunities are available in places other than the Great Idea of California. 

Austin is a not only a booming economy, it's also a growing and successful idea-space.  People have more freedom of expression there than I've noticed out here, more exuberance, yet less pretentiousness.  It's growing and will come to lead the way for future growth as a new cultural hotspot.  In all earnestness, I believe that Austin will become the new San Francisco within the decade.

I don't just have high hopes for Austin, either.  New Orleans has inspired me recently, but I am a cautious optimist when it comes to Louisiana. 

Another inspiration for this train of though is the documentary "Beauty is Embarrassing" about Wayne White's work and life.  He's a creative Tennessee boy who succeeded in spreading his ideas and baring himself to the world.  Not only is he inspiring, but the documentary also pointed out a cultural flow from the East Coast to the West Coast that I don't think has reached an end.