Reaching out

I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.

S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it  with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.

But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.

I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.


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I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.