I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.
S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.
But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.
I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.
===
I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Monday, September 30, 2013
America's Death Culture
I've noticed this trend emerging in multiple spheres of existence. Different types of people are seeking to normalize, glamorize, or demonize death. These iterations have various repercussions, and it's interesting to see how they all play together.
The universal division I've seen is between celebration and acceptance vs lingering and extended mourning.
Skulls reminiscent of día de los muertes have become pop culture icons, showing up on all sorts of items ranging from booty shorts to stationary to corporate logos. This normalization of human fatality is a kind of acceptance--everybody dies and it's not horrible or mysterious.
This acceptance of this has shown to be empowering to people. Accepting the inevitable and having realistic expectations has allowed people to embrace life more--their own and their descendents. In a growing trend of "death dinners," families are coming together and discussing death seriously. Many have found the experience relieving--looming and ethereal mortality has been made real and becomes a dealt with instead of vaguely though about.
On the other hand, I was struck at the morbidity of many of our national holidays. News reports on September 11th are excessively haunting. There seems to be a fear of moving on. Instead of focusing on how we've grown as a nation and on the good that has come from this terrible event, we replay in all the vivid glory the traumatic crashes. It is important to remember the tragedy, but it shouldn't be paraded so grotesquely. We're torturing ourselves and promoting fear.
This fear of death yet acceptance of it creates recklessness; it births the idea of protecting life at the cost of life. I'm scared about the state of the world right now. War with Syria is a threat, and many Americans are feeling defensive, which translates into offensive bombing and invasive military action.
As the death culture grows, it's being torn in multiple directions. Every aspect has an influence on the way we interact with the world. It will be interesting to see how it develops us as individuals and as a nation.
The universal division I've seen is between celebration and acceptance vs lingering and extended mourning.
Skulls reminiscent of día de los muertes have become pop culture icons, showing up on all sorts of items ranging from booty shorts to stationary to corporate logos. This normalization of human fatality is a kind of acceptance--everybody dies and it's not horrible or mysterious.
This acceptance of this has shown to be empowering to people. Accepting the inevitable and having realistic expectations has allowed people to embrace life more--their own and their descendents. In a growing trend of "death dinners," families are coming together and discussing death seriously. Many have found the experience relieving--looming and ethereal mortality has been made real and becomes a dealt with instead of vaguely though about.
On the other hand, I was struck at the morbidity of many of our national holidays. News reports on September 11th are excessively haunting. There seems to be a fear of moving on. Instead of focusing on how we've grown as a nation and on the good that has come from this terrible event, we replay in all the vivid glory the traumatic crashes. It is important to remember the tragedy, but it shouldn't be paraded so grotesquely. We're torturing ourselves and promoting fear.
This fear of death yet acceptance of it creates recklessness; it births the idea of protecting life at the cost of life. I'm scared about the state of the world right now. War with Syria is a threat, and many Americans are feeling defensive, which translates into offensive bombing and invasive military action.
As the death culture grows, it's being torn in multiple directions. Every aspect has an influence on the way we interact with the world. It will be interesting to see how it develops us as individuals and as a nation.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
On Trust and Good Conversation
I don't trust people. I don't let them in because I feel it wouldn't work. I deeply fear being misunderstood yet it's what happens regardless. The rest is understandings of only a part of me.
Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen. It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand. Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.
Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life.
I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality. Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me. Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook. But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.
Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts. People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have. So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?
Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen. It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand. Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.
Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life.
I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality. Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me. Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook. But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.
Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts. People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have. So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?
***
The top part is from a couple of months ago, back in CA. I'm having some similar feelings now. Right now I've got a big, swelling wish. I want to use the word urge, but it doesn't quite fit here. I really want someone I can dump on. I want to have a giant Conversation (not one-sided blog post) where I can get some feedback on what's going on in my head and life and maybe even some insight. But I locked people out for a long time, so there's a lot of context that people don't know about. It's hard to analyze the data I'm giving people since they don't have the foundation built since I've been so fucking quiet and misleading for so long.
I can't rely on S and for most of the friends I'm close with, I'm the ear and that's hard to change once people get used to it. I have some newer relationships growing, but I don't want to be super intense and wigged out right from the get-go. I want someone who will listen to me start to rant, help me when I stumble, not wig out if I cry, and maybe give me a hug.
But...
But.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Moving on...?
"Confusion and Frustration" would also be a good title for this article.
So S and I have broken up. But we're still staying at his parents' house and we've found that being around each other all the time, sharing a bed, etc is a little too much for us to handle. So we called a sort of truce.
We're still allowing ourselves to give into some of the relationship urges that haven't been able to dissipate. We still talk (sort of--we never did much anyway) and make out etc.
Ever since we called this truce, we've both been pretty happy. A lot of tension disappeared and we've both just been really enjoying each others' company. But today I've noticed a problem--the weird not-honeymoon is over.
We've fallen into snapping at each other and having dumb communication breakdowns. I don't want to care and I want to let things go, but again, things are tough while we're still so crammed together. It's hard to avoid crossing into the conversational territory of relationships--it's no longer mine to deal with so I should let it go, but I'm still annoyed by the same things and I'm still dealing with them all the time.
I think we did our best when I was content with not talking to him at all. With not relying on him for things. With not hoping he would grow out of his 16 year old self. I need to stop caring. I need to enforce distance.
If specifics are needed, here's something that happened today: after noticing that he coated the bathroom mirror with soap, I asked him why. Faced with my questioning, he grew defensive and eventually called me dumb. It's a little thing, but I'm sensitive about it, so that didn't go over well. He left the room right after he said that and we did a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the better part of the day. Every once in a while we'd try to be around each other, but something would set it off again.
When we went out so I could go to the bank/so he could have a smoke, I told him that the way he handed me my keys made it hard for me to grab them. Again, a little thing, but apparently something he's sensitive about. Instead of doing nearly anything else, he got defensive about how he handed me my keys. The way he put it is that he was just trying to explain his action--his thought process behind why he did it the way he did. But that's pointless, because no matter what he thought about it, it still made the keys hard to grab.
I questioned him more (since for whatever reason I was unable to let go of it) and he would tell me no real reason why he felt the need to explain himself. The way I see it, he felt hurt that I said he handed me my keys wrong, and wanted to seem a little more in the right. That's called being defensive. It's something he does all the time and it blinds him.
And bam!--a reason we shouldn't be together. He's consistently defensive when I mention things like that, no matter how little, because he's incredibly sensitive to "being wrong." Either I have to deal with him shoving his head up his ass all the time through either some sort of weird complaisance ("ok honey, you're right") or I have to not care. And if I don't care, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
I guess the conclusion should be that I have decided to move on and I need to act like it. The situation and my own decisions have been making this difficult and I'm getting sucked back into some of the bad parts of being in a relationship. But as long as I keep my wits about me and keep it in my pants better, I should be able to change the situation. Yes, it can be tough, but there are ways around it. I need to learn to stop wanting things from him, because he is not the person to give them. I also need to remind myself that it is no longer my obligation to keep an eye on him. When he annoys me or could be doing something better, it is not up to me to do something about him, it's up to me to remove myself from the situation. I am not tied down any more, and I need to act like it.
So S and I have broken up. But we're still staying at his parents' house and we've found that being around each other all the time, sharing a bed, etc is a little too much for us to handle. So we called a sort of truce.
We're still allowing ourselves to give into some of the relationship urges that haven't been able to dissipate. We still talk (sort of--we never did much anyway) and make out etc.
Ever since we called this truce, we've both been pretty happy. A lot of tension disappeared and we've both just been really enjoying each others' company. But today I've noticed a problem--the weird not-honeymoon is over.
We've fallen into snapping at each other and having dumb communication breakdowns. I don't want to care and I want to let things go, but again, things are tough while we're still so crammed together. It's hard to avoid crossing into the conversational territory of relationships--it's no longer mine to deal with so I should let it go, but I'm still annoyed by the same things and I'm still dealing with them all the time.
I think we did our best when I was content with not talking to him at all. With not relying on him for things. With not hoping he would grow out of his 16 year old self. I need to stop caring. I need to enforce distance.
If specifics are needed, here's something that happened today: after noticing that he coated the bathroom mirror with soap, I asked him why. Faced with my questioning, he grew defensive and eventually called me dumb. It's a little thing, but I'm sensitive about it, so that didn't go over well. He left the room right after he said that and we did a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the better part of the day. Every once in a while we'd try to be around each other, but something would set it off again.
When we went out so I could go to the bank/so he could have a smoke, I told him that the way he handed me my keys made it hard for me to grab them. Again, a little thing, but apparently something he's sensitive about. Instead of doing nearly anything else, he got defensive about how he handed me my keys. The way he put it is that he was just trying to explain his action--his thought process behind why he did it the way he did. But that's pointless, because no matter what he thought about it, it still made the keys hard to grab.
I questioned him more (since for whatever reason I was unable to let go of it) and he would tell me no real reason why he felt the need to explain himself. The way I see it, he felt hurt that I said he handed me my keys wrong, and wanted to seem a little more in the right. That's called being defensive. It's something he does all the time and it blinds him.
And bam!--a reason we shouldn't be together. He's consistently defensive when I mention things like that, no matter how little, because he's incredibly sensitive to "being wrong." Either I have to deal with him shoving his head up his ass all the time through either some sort of weird complaisance ("ok honey, you're right") or I have to not care. And if I don't care, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
I guess the conclusion should be that I have decided to move on and I need to act like it. The situation and my own decisions have been making this difficult and I'm getting sucked back into some of the bad parts of being in a relationship. But as long as I keep my wits about me and keep it in my pants better, I should be able to change the situation. Yes, it can be tough, but there are ways around it. I need to learn to stop wanting things from him, because he is not the person to give them. I also need to remind myself that it is no longer my obligation to keep an eye on him. When he annoys me or could be doing something better, it is not up to me to do something about him, it's up to me to remove myself from the situation. I am not tied down any more, and I need to act like it.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
An End
S and I broke up a few days ago. We've been rocky since just before we left for Costa Rica and I think this has been building up since then--we were only incapable of doing anything about it because we were too reliant on each other.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Urban Camping
This is my current inventory:
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
- (3) notebooks
- (1) book
- (1) sketchbook
- (5) pens
- (1) wallet
- (?) tampons
- (1) clothespin
- (1) toothbrush
- (1) knife
- (2) sets of keys
- (1) headphones
- (1) mini pack of color pencils
- (1) outfit
- (1) work outfit
- (1) watch
- (4) ponytails/rubber band
- (1) stick of deodorant
- (1) light jacket
- (1) inkwell
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Update
There isn't an easy way I've found of putting newly edited or updated articles on the front page, so I'll make a link here.
Rosario Castellanos and Isabel Allende
Rosario Castellanos and Isabel Allende
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