Jigga City

Dancing in Louisiana makes me feel one with my people. I am a notoriously bad dancer but here I fit right in

Deutschland

So I showed up in Germany day before yesterday, and so far it seems like a pretty cool place. 

Upside down and Backwards

I am ruled by opposites.

I feel like a negative representation of a person--like when you invert the colors on a picture.

I hold beliefs that I don't want so that I may be convinced that they are wrong.  Determinism is a great example of that.  I don't want to believe it, but its just too convincing at the moment.

And in my introspective-outrospective moments I more often think about what image I don't want to portray than what I actually want to be.

I am sitting here with a group of friends and a whisky coke in one hand and a coffee in the other.  It is a good moment

Things aren't always bad

I realized that I'm kind of negative here, but that's mostly because this is where I come to rant.  But I want to express the good parts of life too.

For about a week or two my boyfriend and I were kind of in a slump--always tired, stressed, and feeling pressed for time.  We weren't taking the time to really do things right.  And this lead to boredom.  We kept going through the motions, but not really getting into anything. 

Let's take sex as an example.  I'm pretty needy in that department--two times a day is best--and that takes up a lot of time.  But he was getting bored and I was getting annoyed.  More sex wasn't helping, they just ended up being rushed episodes to get it out of the way so we could sleep.  No sex wasn't helping because I'd end up feeling frustrated at everything.  We didn't have any time to do anything and what time we had together we kept messing up for each other.

Then I had too much and said we needed to talk. 

After dropping that bomb, I left to go to work, with the intention that my thoughts would stew and I would be able to express myself clearly later that night.  That didn't happen.  He texted me instead and that started a really honest conversation that spelled out what each of us were going through.  We continued later that night and everything worked out so well that for the next two days I felt unnaturally happy. 

It was amazing to get all those pent up negative feelings off our chests and to have someone listen without freaking out or getting overly upset.  It was also good to see an end.  When I'm in a funk, it is hard to ever see the end.  But knowing that stuff like this happens, I have hope for all of the time.

It's the final countdown

So I'm out of this place in just about a month and ten days.

Which happens.

But what makes it feel weird this time is two things.  I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions.  The other part is how much people know about it.  I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.

People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time.  And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming.  I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone.  As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.

It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations.  I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time.  Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural.  I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like.  And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life.  And it works sometimes.  But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.

I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed.  My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better.  It might have ust been the free time though.

Man, I don't have focus.

I just feel trapped by money.  That's the real issue.  Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.


And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good.  Hah, money.

What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame.  There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.


So I'm leaving again soon.  I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can.  I can probably handle being a little sleepy.  And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.

Delusions of grandeur

Is it that I want immortality?

I've always wanted to be in one of those circle of thinkers, creators, even just smart people who create the waves that shape the world; the group of artists from whom stem all the revolutionary ideas of a generation. A group where discussions matter on a large scale--they change the whole world--they make the ideas that penetrate every mind on the planet and determine the flow of history.

Fuck Baudelaire

OK, two things:

I apparently know some crazy ass people and drugs seem like a crazy amazing adventure.

I've always wanted to explore. Explore everything. Every kind of everything.

A friend of mine just told me about speed balls and when he was living his crazy, horrible, ghetto ass, fucked up, amazingly interesting life he could do two of those in a row.

And oh my god he will testify to what kind of shitty life he was living at the time, but I don't know what that's like and I want to.

The derelict and impoverished (both financially and every other sort of way) side of life have some horrible beautiful appeal.  It is another frontier I have yet to cross.

I'm running away

I am running away and will live out a dream.  


In August I am moving to Costa Rica.  oh man oh my god.  


This will be incredible and the thought is currently scaring the shit out of me.  I don't know what it's going to be like.  I don't know what to expect and I don't have a safety net.  


The gradschool bug in me is telling me to tour universities--take a backbacking trip across South America.  And I would so love that.  Part of me isn't ready for gradschool yet.  And part of me wants to settle down and get a job fast so I don't screw myself over and end up a hobo.


But despite what I'm freaking out about, I know it will be worth it.  This is something few people get to experience, be it because they actually can't or just don't let themselves (which is more often the case).


I live in Texas, and although it's Austin, people still react confusedly when I tell them I'm leaving.--"What?  You don't want to climb the ladder in your retail job?  What?  There's more out there?  Why Not just settle?" And so it makes me feel like a crazy person.


But now, I'm visiting my sister in Berkeley, which is a pretty cool place, and since everyone is a lot more accepting, it's helping raise my spirits.


I will be sad to leave Austin, but it feels like time to move on.  I've been there a while and I haven't been super happy.  I feel like I could do more somewhere else, so I need to go and try instead of stagnate.

I've got the grad school bug again

Ever since I got reunited with my grandpa over this last Christmas, I've been thinking a lot about family and genetics.  I've also been obsessed with determinism ever since I first heard of the idea.  Christmas got me fucked up with genetic determinism.


The thing is, it makes so much since.  I am so convinced that reality is dictated in a calculate-able, predictable, sensible way and there is no escaping it and we all lack free will.  I hate it and don't want it to be true so I'm reading everything I can to convince myself that it's not.  


I just finished reading "Who's in Charge" by Michael Gazzaniga and it is really good.  I recommend it to anyone interested in a deeper understanding of the mechanisms of the brain.  It did't quite convince me, but it made a really good case.  My current stance is that although complex systems can't be predicted, and human interactions and just even human existence is not only a complicated system, but a complicated interaction of multiple complicated systems, I still think that once we know more these calculations and predictions could be made.  I think they could, but I hope they can't.


How this relates to grad school is such:
I am interested in ideas.  When I studied literature, I studied it comparatively--how cultures and time periods interact to shape one another.  It is a representation of minds bumping into each other within one of our many complicated systems as humans.  It's mental evolution.  Through studying literature, you can see into the mind of the author, see where he came from, and see the people around him--his society--the world.  Books are doors.


There is a more precise study of ideas that I need to learn more about before I commit myself to it and that is the study of memes.  Memes are like the genes of thoughts. They are the building blocks of ideas and are transmitted and can evolve just like viruses.  


I would love to do a collaborative study with a neuroscientist involving memes, broadly, literature, specifically, and their quantitative role in the human mind.


There are so many places I would like to go with this!  For me, this seems to open doors to everything.


I just need to find what kind of program that would be and where I could find it.

Be my shoulder

I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on.  That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time.  But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.

What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it.  Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch).  (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook.  The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here.  Fuck.  But any who.) 

Any who.

So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting.  I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation.  Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc.  Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me.  Hah.

It's all about power.  I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back.  He is trying his hand at being vindictive.  That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff.  He said he'd have it out by the end of December.  Didn't happen.  He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything.  He wants an excuse to come back and harass me.  It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat.  But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked. 

So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation."  That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear."  How the fuck am I supposed to take that?

And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me.  The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead.  He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus.  I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story.  I hate the one-sided-ness.  In some ways he is coming out on top.  At the current moment, he is living with his parents again.  That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money.  All he's got is hurt feelings.  I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment.  But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine. 

So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it.  I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches.  But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move.  And if not, then what do I do?  Stick around here, wasting time for another year?  Move in with one of my parents?  Move anyway?  Nothing seems like a good option.

Fuck I'm a downer today.  At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.

What the fuck goes with these goddamn skirts?!

I've had these for a while and totally bought them on a whim and I've worn them maybe about three times.  I'm still kind of shitty with matching, and these don't seem to be for beginners.

I will post better pictures when not drunk.  (High-five empty bottle of rum!)

A Bitching Article

As I start to type this post, I realize the possible misunderstanding that could arise from the title.  "A Bitching Article" or perhaps "A Bitchin' Article" could mean something that is so good, only expletives can adequately describe it.  Or it can mean "an article in which someone bitches."  Unfortunately, given my currrent state of existence, that's the one here.

I've been living with Mooch for about three months now and it's finally hit the breaking point.  He is gone by tomorrow night, thank god.  So, in a way, problems are solved (except financial ones, of course), but in a way they aren't.  The real problem is that it seems as though no one is reliable.  No one is capable of taking care of themselves. 

I will give you some back story to justify my mean attitude.

Three months ago, Mooch broke up with his girlfriend.  Devistated and desperate, whithout anywhere to go, Roommate, Ex, and I decided to let him sleep on our couch when he wasn't sleeping in his car.  Shortly thereafter, he lost his job due to failing to set his alarm clock and having accrued a goodly amount of tardy arrivals.  Note, this was his fault.  We continued to let him stay here, without pay, and even fed him.  Things got better for him within a week or so; he got two jobs and was feeling better about his girlfriend.  Despite this upturn in his life, he did not offer to buy food nor pay rent.

After a month, when Ex moved out, Mooch got his own room and started being responsable for a share of the bills.  Note I said "being responsable" not "paying."  That is part of where the current problem lies.  The two jobs gave him substantial funds with which to pay his first month's dues, but now that January is coming to a close, he is no longer capable.

His two jobs were at Papa John's (not very good; minimum wage and few hours) and a seasonal gig at UPS (great hours and pay, but again, only seasonal).  He knew it wouldn't last, yet he did nothing to ensure his ability to pay his share once the time had come.  He knew this was coming, but his laziness and selfishness prevented him from doing anything to stop this.  Should you find Mooch on the street and ask him about this, he would tell you that Roommate and I were well aware of the situation.  But the sitiation he is refering to, in fact, is that he was planning on leaving mid-Feburary.  Which has nothing to do with one's abilities to pay January's rent. 

Not only does he lack money due to the loss of his good job, but he is also constantly here.  I was out of town for Christmas and New Years, and since I have been back, I have only been in the apartment without him for 5 hours.  He is constantly present and makes his presence known.  And when Roommate and I choose not to keep his company, he sulks.  Even going so far as to cry loudly on the balcony outside of our room.  He is pathetic and will never do anything for himself.

At this point, all he has done to suppliment his income is ask me and Roommate to try to sell his Magic cards.  Here we are approaching a key part of the problem.  See, he is not just inept because that's how he is--there is more to it.  He is stunted.  He is a tall child.  Without help, he cannot manage to feed himself, to provide himself shelter, to get to work on time, to do anything by himself, or to even wipe his own ass.  I cannot tell you how many times he has stolen toilet paper from me for I have lost count. 

I feel like an idiot for putting up with it for so long, and even now he is doing laundry with water and soap he will not pay for.  He only started because I stepped out to go to the apartment office.  Tonight is his last night here and I will relish the moment of relief when I can be alone before the necessity of finding another roommate becomes pressing enough to ruin my contentment. 

This is what I get for trusing other people to be able to take care of themselves. 

An Awkward Spot

That last post was kind of old, actually pretty old.  It was from this summer when I kind of feel like I had a sort of breakdown.  Thinking about it now, I've been leading myself up to it, so it wasn't actually a very big surprise.

I didn't feel like I could read people anymore because I'd slowly but surely been isolating myself from everyone.  All conversations became superficial and I stopped being able to find anything to talk to anyone about.  I felt like I could manage my feelings on my own and didn't (feel the need to / want to / trust anyone enough to) talk about anything that was really on my mind.  I think a lot of people feel that way, though.  (Saying things like that helps me belittle the idea of feelings, which makes it easier to remain a closed shell.)

I had a boyfriend for several years.  And then I broke up with him.  It wasn't as sudden as my syntax implies, though.  I'd been thinking about it for a year or two but felt unable to do anything about it.  I actually tried, once, to break it off.  But we weren't able to move and so I was stuck living with him.  He asked me to get back together and I said yes for convenience.  My plan was to get him a new roommate and then leave the situation, but things didn't work out. 

I ended up breaking up with him then later slept with a mutual friend, our roommate.  Understandibly, that caused a whole mess of drama. 

After the break-up, my ex decided to confess that he had been suicidal and depressed for months and that our roommate and I were the best people to handle the situation, to make him feel better, and banish those terrible thoughts from his head.  We did what we thought would help, but we were ignorant of the right solutions, being mere people.  It was a stressful and unpleasant situation for everybody, and lead to lots of isolation for everyone.  I know that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it, without incurring worry and meddlesome other people who were equally ill-equipped to deal with the situation.  So I tried to deal with it.  Roommate and I found comfort in each other.  Many nights, Ex would fall asleep on the couch early and Rommate and I would talk.  Often times late into the night. 

One of these nights, we happened upon a bottle of whisky and ended up fucking on the balcony.

That did not sit well with Ex.

(This post has become something entirely different than what I had imagined.)

During a horrible night, and after much coaxing, Ex broke Roommate's jaw. 

What followed was a combination of guilt, anger, confusion, and sexual frustration.  I had been attracted to Roommate for a while due to his personality and life-experience, but had never let on or done anything about it until that night.  And based on everything I knew about him, I wasn't expecting anything more than sex from him, but much more has evolved since then.  Despite that, we still cling to the idea of being in an open relationship.  (Funnily enough, I'm the only one who has actively done anything to uphold this title.)  I'm starting to skip parts of history to get to what's really on my mind. 

We announced to each other our desire to be in a relationship on Halloween and began to end some of the awkwardness in dealing with encroaching feelings.  But like I said, it's an open relationship.  This is my first time doing anything like this and I don't know all the rules, but I have started to notice some issues.  None of the other people I've gotten involved with want to leave it at just sex.  People have a habit of falling for me.  And I don't know how to deal with it.

So right now I'm in a relationship that was never supposed to be, but which has turned out to be quite nice.  I actually really enjoy it.  There's no such thing as perfect, but most of the time I'm having fun.  But on the other hand there is a guy from work who seems to want to be there for me in all the ways I doubt about Roommate--it's hard to believe in the emotional side of a sex-based relationship, despite when he tries to comfort me. 

I'm being rushed to leave and end my rant.  Goodnight

Conflict of Interest

So the thing is, this isn't my only outlet.

For about the past semester I've been carrying around one of those green composition books you can get from any drugstore or supermarket.  I've been splitting what I write between here and there.  And honestly, most of it's going there.  That's partially due to convenience, partially due to an extreme shyness and the resulting hesitation to be open about anything.

But here's something to make up for it.

I've been back in Louisiana for only about a week now, but
But I don't know.
I feel weird being here.  It's kind of like when I'm back where I normally live and I'm the only one with a day off.  A lot of my day to day existence circulates around interactions with other people, and I'm used to fitting alone time into small, spread out spaces.  So when everything comes in chunks, I end up with hours of the day passing while I sit there feeling like I should be doing something else.

Part of me wants to stay because I don't want to feel that way.  I feel guilty about a feeling, so I try to change why I had it in the first place.  It's not just that though.  It's not too hard to see how different things are around here, and sometimes it's pretty nice just to experience something out of the usual.  There's also people around here I like to see and all that.

And even before I came here, I started getting uneasy about social situations.  I felt like I couldn't read people anymore and didn't know how to respond to anything.  That made all sorts of interactions incredibly difficult.

I'm kind of rambling.  Thinking about this earlier, I'd even come up with a dramatic finish, but it doesn't seem like it will really fit now.