I've been journaling about this a lot, and texting my sister some, but I really want to talk to somebody. I'm working up to it, cycling though a list of friends that won't be put in a weird spot to hear me.
S and I had a short talk the other night about breaking up. Before that, I'd been talking about it with him periodically over the past couple months, kind of as an abstract idea, because I feel like we've been falling apart and for a while I've been growing more numb to him, seeing him less and less like a boyfriend or an intimate.
But the other night, the "maybe we should break up" came from him.
I think I'd been waiting for that, since I was too afraid to make that abstract tangible on my own. I wanted to talk about everything instead, talk about what I thought might be the cause in my change in feelings, about what was going on, but I didn't cross over into making it tangible.
===
I think I want to feel justified and like I'm doing the right thing. The hardest thing is that I know I could end this now, I could ask to not break up and we wouldn't. But the problems would still be there. It would only be a temporary bandage.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Monday, September 30, 2013
America's Death Culture
I've noticed this trend emerging in multiple spheres of existence. Different types of people are seeking to normalize, glamorize, or demonize death. These iterations have various repercussions, and it's interesting to see how they all play together.
The universal division I've seen is between celebration and acceptance vs lingering and extended mourning.
Skulls reminiscent of día de los muertes have become pop culture icons, showing up on all sorts of items ranging from booty shorts to stationary to corporate logos. This normalization of human fatality is a kind of acceptance--everybody dies and it's not horrible or mysterious.
This acceptance of this has shown to be empowering to people. Accepting the inevitable and having realistic expectations has allowed people to embrace life more--their own and their descendents. In a growing trend of "death dinners," families are coming together and discussing death seriously. Many have found the experience relieving--looming and ethereal mortality has been made real and becomes a dealt with instead of vaguely though about.
On the other hand, I was struck at the morbidity of many of our national holidays. News reports on September 11th are excessively haunting. There seems to be a fear of moving on. Instead of focusing on how we've grown as a nation and on the good that has come from this terrible event, we replay in all the vivid glory the traumatic crashes. It is important to remember the tragedy, but it shouldn't be paraded so grotesquely. We're torturing ourselves and promoting fear.
This fear of death yet acceptance of it creates recklessness; it births the idea of protecting life at the cost of life. I'm scared about the state of the world right now. War with Syria is a threat, and many Americans are feeling defensive, which translates into offensive bombing and invasive military action.
As the death culture grows, it's being torn in multiple directions. Every aspect has an influence on the way we interact with the world. It will be interesting to see how it develops us as individuals and as a nation.
The universal division I've seen is between celebration and acceptance vs lingering and extended mourning.
Skulls reminiscent of día de los muertes have become pop culture icons, showing up on all sorts of items ranging from booty shorts to stationary to corporate logos. This normalization of human fatality is a kind of acceptance--everybody dies and it's not horrible or mysterious.
This acceptance of this has shown to be empowering to people. Accepting the inevitable and having realistic expectations has allowed people to embrace life more--their own and their descendents. In a growing trend of "death dinners," families are coming together and discussing death seriously. Many have found the experience relieving--looming and ethereal mortality has been made real and becomes a dealt with instead of vaguely though about.
On the other hand, I was struck at the morbidity of many of our national holidays. News reports on September 11th are excessively haunting. There seems to be a fear of moving on. Instead of focusing on how we've grown as a nation and on the good that has come from this terrible event, we replay in all the vivid glory the traumatic crashes. It is important to remember the tragedy, but it shouldn't be paraded so grotesquely. We're torturing ourselves and promoting fear.
This fear of death yet acceptance of it creates recklessness; it births the idea of protecting life at the cost of life. I'm scared about the state of the world right now. War with Syria is a threat, and many Americans are feeling defensive, which translates into offensive bombing and invasive military action.
As the death culture grows, it's being torn in multiple directions. Every aspect has an influence on the way we interact with the world. It will be interesting to see how it develops us as individuals and as a nation.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
On Trust and Good Conversation
I don't trust people. I don't let them in because I feel it wouldn't work. I deeply fear being misunderstood yet it's what happens regardless. The rest is understandings of only a part of me.
Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen. It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand. Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.
Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life.
I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality. Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me. Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook. But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.
Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts. People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have. So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?
Part of it is that I don't think many are primed to listen. It takes a while to chip away at someone so that I can learn how to speak to them and be able to guess what they understand. Despite speaking relatively anonymously on blogs, what I really want is someone receptive.
Last night someone tried to convince me that no one like that exists and that if I don't change my hopes, I will just be miserable all my life.
I feel the need to treat everyone differently, based on what I see of their personality. Some of me comes through, but it's through a personalized filter so everyone knows a different me. Maybe that's why a lot of people think I'm cool--I pick up on bits of them that many overlook. But what that does is make me feel fragmented and alone.
Sometimes when I do try to fill in the cracks, I end up doing it with someone unwilling to listen or who just doesn't care about all those extra parts. People can be very picky especially in the world of customizable experiences we have. So should I say "fuck them" or continue with what I can get?
***
The top part is from a couple of months ago, back in CA. I'm having some similar feelings now. Right now I've got a big, swelling wish. I want to use the word urge, but it doesn't quite fit here. I really want someone I can dump on. I want to have a giant Conversation (not one-sided blog post) where I can get some feedback on what's going on in my head and life and maybe even some insight. But I locked people out for a long time, so there's a lot of context that people don't know about. It's hard to analyze the data I'm giving people since they don't have the foundation built since I've been so fucking quiet and misleading for so long.
I can't rely on S and for most of the friends I'm close with, I'm the ear and that's hard to change once people get used to it. I have some newer relationships growing, but I don't want to be super intense and wigged out right from the get-go. I want someone who will listen to me start to rant, help me when I stumble, not wig out if I cry, and maybe give me a hug.
But...
But.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Moving on...?
"Confusion and Frustration" would also be a good title for this article.
So S and I have broken up. But we're still staying at his parents' house and we've found that being around each other all the time, sharing a bed, etc is a little too much for us to handle. So we called a sort of truce.
We're still allowing ourselves to give into some of the relationship urges that haven't been able to dissipate. We still talk (sort of--we never did much anyway) and make out etc.
Ever since we called this truce, we've both been pretty happy. A lot of tension disappeared and we've both just been really enjoying each others' company. But today I've noticed a problem--the weird not-honeymoon is over.
We've fallen into snapping at each other and having dumb communication breakdowns. I don't want to care and I want to let things go, but again, things are tough while we're still so crammed together. It's hard to avoid crossing into the conversational territory of relationships--it's no longer mine to deal with so I should let it go, but I'm still annoyed by the same things and I'm still dealing with them all the time.
I think we did our best when I was content with not talking to him at all. With not relying on him for things. With not hoping he would grow out of his 16 year old self. I need to stop caring. I need to enforce distance.
If specifics are needed, here's something that happened today: after noticing that he coated the bathroom mirror with soap, I asked him why. Faced with my questioning, he grew defensive and eventually called me dumb. It's a little thing, but I'm sensitive about it, so that didn't go over well. He left the room right after he said that and we did a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the better part of the day. Every once in a while we'd try to be around each other, but something would set it off again.
When we went out so I could go to the bank/so he could have a smoke, I told him that the way he handed me my keys made it hard for me to grab them. Again, a little thing, but apparently something he's sensitive about. Instead of doing nearly anything else, he got defensive about how he handed me my keys. The way he put it is that he was just trying to explain his action--his thought process behind why he did it the way he did. But that's pointless, because no matter what he thought about it, it still made the keys hard to grab.
I questioned him more (since for whatever reason I was unable to let go of it) and he would tell me no real reason why he felt the need to explain himself. The way I see it, he felt hurt that I said he handed me my keys wrong, and wanted to seem a little more in the right. That's called being defensive. It's something he does all the time and it blinds him.
And bam!--a reason we shouldn't be together. He's consistently defensive when I mention things like that, no matter how little, because he's incredibly sensitive to "being wrong." Either I have to deal with him shoving his head up his ass all the time through either some sort of weird complaisance ("ok honey, you're right") or I have to not care. And if I don't care, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
I guess the conclusion should be that I have decided to move on and I need to act like it. The situation and my own decisions have been making this difficult and I'm getting sucked back into some of the bad parts of being in a relationship. But as long as I keep my wits about me and keep it in my pants better, I should be able to change the situation. Yes, it can be tough, but there are ways around it. I need to learn to stop wanting things from him, because he is not the person to give them. I also need to remind myself that it is no longer my obligation to keep an eye on him. When he annoys me or could be doing something better, it is not up to me to do something about him, it's up to me to remove myself from the situation. I am not tied down any more, and I need to act like it.
So S and I have broken up. But we're still staying at his parents' house and we've found that being around each other all the time, sharing a bed, etc is a little too much for us to handle. So we called a sort of truce.
We're still allowing ourselves to give into some of the relationship urges that haven't been able to dissipate. We still talk (sort of--we never did much anyway) and make out etc.
Ever since we called this truce, we've both been pretty happy. A lot of tension disappeared and we've both just been really enjoying each others' company. But today I've noticed a problem--the weird not-honeymoon is over.
We've fallen into snapping at each other and having dumb communication breakdowns. I don't want to care and I want to let things go, but again, things are tough while we're still so crammed together. It's hard to avoid crossing into the conversational territory of relationships--it's no longer mine to deal with so I should let it go, but I'm still annoyed by the same things and I'm still dealing with them all the time.
I think we did our best when I was content with not talking to him at all. With not relying on him for things. With not hoping he would grow out of his 16 year old self. I need to stop caring. I need to enforce distance.
If specifics are needed, here's something that happened today: after noticing that he coated the bathroom mirror with soap, I asked him why. Faced with my questioning, he grew defensive and eventually called me dumb. It's a little thing, but I'm sensitive about it, so that didn't go over well. He left the room right after he said that and we did a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the better part of the day. Every once in a while we'd try to be around each other, but something would set it off again.
When we went out so I could go to the bank/so he could have a smoke, I told him that the way he handed me my keys made it hard for me to grab them. Again, a little thing, but apparently something he's sensitive about. Instead of doing nearly anything else, he got defensive about how he handed me my keys. The way he put it is that he was just trying to explain his action--his thought process behind why he did it the way he did. But that's pointless, because no matter what he thought about it, it still made the keys hard to grab.
I questioned him more (since for whatever reason I was unable to let go of it) and he would tell me no real reason why he felt the need to explain himself. The way I see it, he felt hurt that I said he handed me my keys wrong, and wanted to seem a little more in the right. That's called being defensive. It's something he does all the time and it blinds him.
And bam!--a reason we shouldn't be together. He's consistently defensive when I mention things like that, no matter how little, because he's incredibly sensitive to "being wrong." Either I have to deal with him shoving his head up his ass all the time through either some sort of weird complaisance ("ok honey, you're right") or I have to not care. And if I don't care, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
I guess the conclusion should be that I have decided to move on and I need to act like it. The situation and my own decisions have been making this difficult and I'm getting sucked back into some of the bad parts of being in a relationship. But as long as I keep my wits about me and keep it in my pants better, I should be able to change the situation. Yes, it can be tough, but there are ways around it. I need to learn to stop wanting things from him, because he is not the person to give them. I also need to remind myself that it is no longer my obligation to keep an eye on him. When he annoys me or could be doing something better, it is not up to me to do something about him, it's up to me to remove myself from the situation. I am not tied down any more, and I need to act like it.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
An End
S and I broke up a few days ago. We've been rocky since just before we left for Costa Rica and I think this has been building up since then--we were only incapable of doing anything about it because we were too reliant on each other.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
In Costa Rica, we tried to make a life. The goal was to get established and actually live there. I should have recognized sooner how much this was S's goal more than mine. After the rich mental stimulation of Berlin, I couldn't handle the palace-purgatory of physicality that is Costa Rica. California had it's good, but we had trouble getting our footing. Every endeavor was an uphill battle and it's very hard feeling good about life while living with a loud pessimist.
We left California on August 31st and were in Louisiana until a couple of days ago--Sunday. Sunday night we arrived, and Monday, S broke up with me. I know it's real this time because he's the one who did it; he sees my point of view.
At the moment, we're staying at S's parents, trying to figure out our own next steps--looking for jobs and places to live. We don't know how much we should rely on old plans. Though we're being civil, I think we need space. Both of us keep wanting to be affectionate or angry as the moments dictate, but it's not for us to do that to/with each other any more.
Figuring out what to say has been an interesting challenge. And how to say, too. If things don't go well, that puts me on rocky footing w/r/t where I'll sleep at night, and if things go well, it hurts because I just want to touch him.
I've never had a breakup that wasn't explosive, so I don't know what to expect. I'm sad, scared, and happy, all coming in waves. I hope things work out for both of us.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Urban Camping
This is my current inventory:
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
- (3) notebooks
- (1) book
- (1) sketchbook
- (5) pens
- (1) wallet
- (?) tampons
- (1) clothespin
- (1) toothbrush
- (1) knife
- (2) sets of keys
- (1) headphones
- (1) mini pack of color pencils
- (1) outfit
- (1) work outfit
- (1) watch
- (4) ponytails/rubber band
- (1) stick of deodorant
- (1) light jacket
- (1) inkwell
I carry two bags with me nearly constantly and I'm not the only one. We're urban campers. Survivalists who have learned to live in a difficult to maneuver environment. I've learned that when it's hard to get home, it becomes necessary to make everywhere more home like.
There isn't much I can take for granted; there isn't much anybody can take for granted. Hence the pack. Packs prepare people for a wider array of experiences. A well prepared pack can get people through nearly any situation.
Last night, my general plan was to make it home. Cook, eat, write. Instead, I stuck around for M and S, started the evening with pizza&beer at Roma's, and party-hopped the night away. After chasing down a bus, we made it home around 3 or so.
My pack gave me (normally would give me) entertainment on the bus so I wouldn't pass out (I'd just finished Gravity's Rainbow and my phone was broken, so I couldn't actually read--but normally it would have been there for me), the spare jacket I would have been miserable without, trail mix to supplement the pizza...
Without my bike, I've been hiking to work. There's about a mile between both my work and BART and my house and BART.
Urban Camping. What do I mean by that? People are prepared to sleep, eat, be anywhere. Is that camping? Kind of. It reminds me of J.S.'s proposed 3-month-long hike through the Appalachians. There are elements of isolation, fending for oneself, and preparedness. These are all things people deal with here too (or in any urban setting, potentially).
Isolation--There are lots of people, but not many interact with each other. Especially not so much to help out. I feel this a lot when it comes to transportation. In the middle of the night, even the bus will pass you by if they please.
That ties in a lot with fending for oneself. There isn't someone who can be relied on. Either they're not present, or they're not to be relied on. There isn't much of a sense of hospitality here--people are too broke. Parties don't have kegs, people bring their own 40s. They're big and don't get put down for someone else to drink. It's sometimes hard sleeping at other people's houses because they might not even have blankets to spare.
This naturally flows into preparedness. In understanding that these are fundamental qualities of the environment, one either learns to deal or learns to avoid. A lot of people want to be here, so a lot of people learn to deal. Hence adaptations like carrying a pack. Bikes kind of fit into it too.
People have recognized the limits and parameters of interacting with this environment. These limits and parameters are similar to those of camping.
I think a lot of it has to do with transportation. There is a trade off between needing to change oneself to adapt to the environment or the ability to change one's environment to adapt to their needs.
The smaller car culture and limits of public transportation are important contributing factors.
Without the ease to move (change one's environment), one has to become able to change oneself.
My ways of interacting with an urban environment have changed with other parts of my lifestyle. When I was very academically focused, I made myself be prepared for spending the day in the library. I'd have the proper clothes (extra layers and jackets), all the conceivably necessary books and any technological implements I might need. I wasn't in a place (mental, mostly) where I'd get swept up into other kinds of interactions. Here, I am. So my pack is better suited to that set up.
I did this with my car somewhat too. (Although it was less necessary because cars promote such independent mobility, it wasn't often necessary to be prepared to stay somewhere I didn't want. Generally, I'd have layers and a work shirt. Books and other more personal items would be in my bag. Although, I did have a big technological focus in my car, centered around music. Phone charger, stereo bits, mini speakers (for a while), cords, wire splitting tools... ...
We all camp. We all carry packs that fit with the call of our own personal environments. (Except, perhaps, those unlucky people who never quite seem to be in their element. They just haven't figured out what they need.)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Update
There isn't an easy way I've found of putting newly edited or updated articles on the front page, so I'll make a link here.
Rosario Castellanos and Isabel Allende
Rosario Castellanos and Isabel Allende
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Southern Renaissance
A little while back I read a book of Flannery O'Connor's essays. It's been a while since I've read any of her work or even thought about the grotesque movement in literature, but the coincidental reminder was welcome.
It was nice to see that the South had once held an esteemed place in the culture of America--it wasn't always seen as a joke. And though people and situations down there can be crazy, I feel like something is changing.
I've been living in California since leaving Costa Rica in September 2012 and the lesson that keeps coming to mind every time I move to California is that it's a nice place to visit, but not live. But there's been guilt about wanting to go back to Austin. I do feel the pressures to live somewhere more "cultured" and "full of opportunities" but the more I hear that from people, the more I realize those opportunities are available in places other than the Great Idea of California.
Austin is a not only a booming economy, it's also a growing and successful idea-space. People have more freedom of expression there than I've noticed out here, more exuberance, yet less pretentiousness. It's growing and will come to lead the way for future growth as a new cultural hotspot. In all earnestness, I believe that Austin will become the new San Francisco within the decade.
I don't just have high hopes for Austin, either. New Orleans has inspired me recently, but I am a cautious optimist when it comes to Louisiana.
Another inspiration for this train of though is the documentary "Beauty is Embarrassing" about Wayne White's work and life. He's a creative Tennessee boy who succeeded in spreading his ideas and baring himself to the world. Not only is he inspiring, but the documentary also pointed out a cultural flow from the East Coast to the West Coast that I don't think has reached an end.
It was nice to see that the South had once held an esteemed place in the culture of America--it wasn't always seen as a joke. And though people and situations down there can be crazy, I feel like something is changing.
I've been living in California since leaving Costa Rica in September 2012 and the lesson that keeps coming to mind every time I move to California is that it's a nice place to visit, but not live. But there's been guilt about wanting to go back to Austin. I do feel the pressures to live somewhere more "cultured" and "full of opportunities" but the more I hear that from people, the more I realize those opportunities are available in places other than the Great Idea of California.
Austin is a not only a booming economy, it's also a growing and successful idea-space. People have more freedom of expression there than I've noticed out here, more exuberance, yet less pretentiousness. It's growing and will come to lead the way for future growth as a new cultural hotspot. In all earnestness, I believe that Austin will become the new San Francisco within the decade.
I don't just have high hopes for Austin, either. New Orleans has inspired me recently, but I am a cautious optimist when it comes to Louisiana.
Another inspiration for this train of though is the documentary "Beauty is Embarrassing" about Wayne White's work and life. He's a creative Tennessee boy who succeeded in spreading his ideas and baring himself to the world. Not only is he inspiring, but the documentary also pointed out a cultural flow from the East Coast to the West Coast that I don't think has reached an end.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Future Thoughts
I've always imagined trends. When I was little, I had a notebook where I designed clothes. Most were pretty out there, but a lot of them have come to be. It was all kind of random, "wouldn't it be cool if..." but now my sense of what will come has been slightly more honed.
So now I want to share my predictions and make myself a Nostradamus of the internet.
I'm a little late on these, but here's what's been on my mind.
+ Mustaches will be replaced by Octopuses.
+ Horizontally striped pants will become a fashion thing (it won't be everywhere, only on the trendiest legs).
+ Round sunglasses will make a comeback.
+ Horizontally striped pants will become a fashion thing (it won't be everywhere, only on the trendiest legs).
+ Round sunglasses will make a comeback.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Jigga City
Dancing in Louisiana makes me feel one with my people. I am a notoriously bad dancer but here I fit right in
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Deutschland
So I showed up in Germany day before yesterday, and so far it seems like a pretty cool place.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Upside down and Backwards
I am ruled by opposites.
I feel like a negative representation of a person--like when you invert the colors on a picture.
I hold beliefs that I don't want so that I may be convinced that they are wrong. Determinism is a great example of that. I don't want to believe it, but its just too convincing at the moment.
And in my introspective-outrospective moments I more often think about what image I don't want to portray than what I actually want to be.
I feel like a negative representation of a person--like when you invert the colors on a picture.
I hold beliefs that I don't want so that I may be convinced that they are wrong. Determinism is a great example of that. I don't want to believe it, but its just too convincing at the moment.
And in my introspective-outrospective moments I more often think about what image I don't want to portray than what I actually want to be.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Things aren't always bad
I realized that I'm kind of negative here, but that's mostly because this is where I come to rant. But I want to express the good parts of life too.
For about a week or two my boyfriend and I were kind of in a slump--always tired, stressed, and feeling pressed for time. We weren't taking the time to really do things right. And this lead to boredom. We kept going through the motions, but not really getting into anything.
Let's take sex as an example. I'm pretty needy in that department--two times a day is best--and that takes up a lot of time. But he was getting bored and I was getting annoyed. More sex wasn't helping, they just ended up being rushed episodes to get it out of the way so we could sleep. No sex wasn't helping because I'd end up feeling frustrated at everything. We didn't have any time to do anything and what time we had together we kept messing up for each other.
Then I had too much and said we needed to talk.
After dropping that bomb, I left to go to work, with the intention that my thoughts would stew and I would be able to express myself clearly later that night. That didn't happen. He texted me instead and that started a really honest conversation that spelled out what each of us were going through. We continued later that night and everything worked out so well that for the next two days I felt unnaturally happy.
It was amazing to get all those pent up negative feelings off our chests and to have someone listen without freaking out or getting overly upset. It was also good to see an end. When I'm in a funk, it is hard to ever see the end. But knowing that stuff like this happens, I have hope for all of the time.
For about a week or two my boyfriend and I were kind of in a slump--always tired, stressed, and feeling pressed for time. We weren't taking the time to really do things right. And this lead to boredom. We kept going through the motions, but not really getting into anything.
Let's take sex as an example. I'm pretty needy in that department--two times a day is best--and that takes up a lot of time. But he was getting bored and I was getting annoyed. More sex wasn't helping, they just ended up being rushed episodes to get it out of the way so we could sleep. No sex wasn't helping because I'd end up feeling frustrated at everything. We didn't have any time to do anything and what time we had together we kept messing up for each other.
Then I had too much and said we needed to talk.
After dropping that bomb, I left to go to work, with the intention that my thoughts would stew and I would be able to express myself clearly later that night. That didn't happen. He texted me instead and that started a really honest conversation that spelled out what each of us were going through. We continued later that night and everything worked out so well that for the next two days I felt unnaturally happy.
It was amazing to get all those pent up negative feelings off our chests and to have someone listen without freaking out or getting overly upset. It was also good to see an end. When I'm in a funk, it is hard to ever see the end. But knowing that stuff like this happens, I have hope for all of the time.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
It's the final countdown
So I'm out of this place in just about a month and ten days.
Which happens.
But what makes it feel weird this time is two things. I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions. The other part is how much people know about it. I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.
People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time. And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming. I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone. As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.
It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations. I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time. Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural. I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like. And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life. And it works sometimes. But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.
I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed. My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better. It might have ust been the free time though.
Man, I don't have focus.
I just feel trapped by money. That's the real issue. Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.
And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good. Hah, money.
What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame. There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.
So I'm leaving again soon. I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can. I can probably handle being a little sleepy. And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.
Which happens.
But what makes it feel weird this time is two things. I feel like I'm really starting over--I'm getting rid of my personal ties and nearly all of my physical posessions. The other part is how much people know about it. I've tended to sneak away when I move, but I advertised it this time.
People are a bit frantic with the eminent deadline--no more me time. And I guess the attention is kind of nice but it's also very overwhelming. I hardly have time to prepare myself or even to spend a moment alone. As much as I crave being with people I like, I need moments to myself.
It feels like my life is divided into time slots dictated by social and financial obligations. I work 40 hours a week and I have to squeeze people into my allocated free time. Part of my frustration might be due to my schedule--it is pretty unnatural. I work nights--meaning I'm taken from 1.30 to 10 most of the time. Most of the time, it feels like. And I stay up late to make it feel like I have a life. And it works sometimes. But sometimes I'm just tired all of the time and feel utterly oppressed.
I was in Louisiana about a week ago, which was nice and horrible in it's own way, and my schedule changed. My schedule shifted to earlier and I felt better. It might have ust been the free time though.
Man, I don't have focus.
I just feel trapped by money. That's the real issue. Because if I had enough, I would have time and that's all I really want in the world.
And the starting over part is scary because I have no idea what I'm getting into and I'm worried about running out of money before things get good. Hah, money.
What's frustrating is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I'm in charge of my life--good and bad--so if shit goes wrong, there's no one else to blame. There's no one else to talk to either because no one else is involved.
So I'm leaving again soon. I'm saying goodbyes and enjoying people while I can. I can probably handle being a little sleepy. And as for the future, all I can do is what I can.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Delusions of grandeur
Is it that I want immortality?
I've always wanted to be in one of those circle of thinkers, creators, even just smart people who create the waves that shape the world; the group of artists from whom stem all the revolutionary ideas of a generation. A group where discussions matter on a large scale--they change the whole world--they make the ideas that penetrate every mind on the planet and determine the flow of history.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Fuck Baudelaire
OK, two things:
I apparently know some crazy ass people and drugs seem like a crazy amazing adventure.
I've always wanted to explore. Explore everything. Every kind of everything.
A friend of mine just told me about speed balls and when he was living his crazy, horrible, ghetto ass, fucked up, amazingly interesting life he could do two of those in a row.
And oh my god he will testify to what kind of shitty life he was living at the time, but I don't know what that's like and I want to.
The derelict and impoverished (both financially and every other sort of way) side of life have some horrible beautiful appeal. It is another frontier I have yet to cross.
Friday, May 11, 2012
I'm running away
I am running away and will live out a dream.
In August I am moving to Costa Rica. oh man oh my god.
This will be incredible and the thought is currently scaring the shit out of me. I don't know what it's going to be like. I don't know what to expect and I don't have a safety net.
The gradschool bug in me is telling me to tour universities--take a backbacking trip across South America. And I would so love that. Part of me isn't ready for gradschool yet. And part of me wants to settle down and get a job fast so I don't screw myself over and end up a hobo.
But despite what I'm freaking out about, I know it will be worth it. This is something few people get to experience, be it because they actually can't or just don't let themselves (which is more often the case).
I live in Texas, and although it's Austin, people still react confusedly when I tell them I'm leaving.--"What? You don't want to climb the ladder in your retail job? What? There's more out there? Why Not just settle?" And so it makes me feel like a crazy person.
But now, I'm visiting my sister in Berkeley, which is a pretty cool place, and since everyone is a lot more accepting, it's helping raise my spirits.
I will be sad to leave Austin, but it feels like time to move on. I've been there a while and I haven't been super happy. I feel like I could do more somewhere else, so I need to go and try instead of stagnate.
In August I am moving to Costa Rica. oh man oh my god.
This will be incredible and the thought is currently scaring the shit out of me. I don't know what it's going to be like. I don't know what to expect and I don't have a safety net.
The gradschool bug in me is telling me to tour universities--take a backbacking trip across South America. And I would so love that. Part of me isn't ready for gradschool yet. And part of me wants to settle down and get a job fast so I don't screw myself over and end up a hobo.
But despite what I'm freaking out about, I know it will be worth it. This is something few people get to experience, be it because they actually can't or just don't let themselves (which is more often the case).
I live in Texas, and although it's Austin, people still react confusedly when I tell them I'm leaving.--"What? You don't want to climb the ladder in your retail job? What? There's more out there? Why Not just settle?" And so it makes me feel like a crazy person.
But now, I'm visiting my sister in Berkeley, which is a pretty cool place, and since everyone is a lot more accepting, it's helping raise my spirits.
I will be sad to leave Austin, but it feels like time to move on. I've been there a while and I haven't been super happy. I feel like I could do more somewhere else, so I need to go and try instead of stagnate.
I've got the grad school bug again
Ever since I got reunited with my grandpa over this last Christmas, I've been thinking a lot about family and genetics. I've also been obsessed with determinism ever since I first heard of the idea. Christmas got me fucked up with genetic determinism.
The thing is, it makes so much since. I am so convinced that reality is dictated in a calculate-able, predictable, sensible way and there is no escaping it and we all lack free will. I hate it and don't want it to be true so I'm reading everything I can to convince myself that it's not.
I just finished reading "Who's in Charge" by Michael Gazzaniga and it is really good. I recommend it to anyone interested in a deeper understanding of the mechanisms of the brain. It did't quite convince me, but it made a really good case. My current stance is that although complex systems can't be predicted, and human interactions and just even human existence is not only a complicated system, but a complicated interaction of multiple complicated systems, I still think that once we know more these calculations and predictions could be made. I think they could, but I hope they can't.
How this relates to grad school is such:
I am interested in ideas. When I studied literature, I studied it comparatively--how cultures and time periods interact to shape one another. It is a representation of minds bumping into each other within one of our many complicated systems as humans. It's mental evolution. Through studying literature, you can see into the mind of the author, see where he came from, and see the people around him--his society--the world. Books are doors.
There is a more precise study of ideas that I need to learn more about before I commit myself to it and that is the study of memes. Memes are like the genes of thoughts. They are the building blocks of ideas and are transmitted and can evolve just like viruses.
I would love to do a collaborative study with a neuroscientist involving memes, broadly, literature, specifically, and their quantitative role in the human mind.
There are so many places I would like to go with this! For me, this seems to open doors to everything.
I just need to find what kind of program that would be and where I could find it.
The thing is, it makes so much since. I am so convinced that reality is dictated in a calculate-able, predictable, sensible way and there is no escaping it and we all lack free will. I hate it and don't want it to be true so I'm reading everything I can to convince myself that it's not.
I just finished reading "Who's in Charge" by Michael Gazzaniga and it is really good. I recommend it to anyone interested in a deeper understanding of the mechanisms of the brain. It did't quite convince me, but it made a really good case. My current stance is that although complex systems can't be predicted, and human interactions and just even human existence is not only a complicated system, but a complicated interaction of multiple complicated systems, I still think that once we know more these calculations and predictions could be made. I think they could, but I hope they can't.
How this relates to grad school is such:
I am interested in ideas. When I studied literature, I studied it comparatively--how cultures and time periods interact to shape one another. It is a representation of minds bumping into each other within one of our many complicated systems as humans. It's mental evolution. Through studying literature, you can see into the mind of the author, see where he came from, and see the people around him--his society--the world. Books are doors.
There is a more precise study of ideas that I need to learn more about before I commit myself to it and that is the study of memes. Memes are like the genes of thoughts. They are the building blocks of ideas and are transmitted and can evolve just like viruses.
I would love to do a collaborative study with a neuroscientist involving memes, broadly, literature, specifically, and their quantitative role in the human mind.
There are so many places I would like to go with this! For me, this seems to open doors to everything.
I just need to find what kind of program that would be and where I could find it.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Be my shoulder
I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on. That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time. But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.
What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it. Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch). (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook. The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here. Fuck. But any who.)
Any who.
So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting. I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation. Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc. Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me. Hah.
It's all about power. I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back. He is trying his hand at being vindictive. That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff. He said he'd have it out by the end of December. Didn't happen. He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything. He wants an excuse to come back and harass me. It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat. But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked.
So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation." That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear." How the fuck am I supposed to take that?
And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me. The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead. He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus. I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story. I hate the one-sided-ness. In some ways he is coming out on top. At the current moment, he is living with his parents again. That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money. All he's got is hurt feelings. I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment. But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine.
So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it. I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches. But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move. And if not, then what do I do? Stick around here, wasting time for another year? Move in with one of my parents? Move anyway? Nothing seems like a good option.
Fuck I'm a downer today. At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.
What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it. Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch). (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook. The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here. Fuck. But any who.)
Any who.
So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting. I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation. Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc. Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me. Hah.
It's all about power. I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back. He is trying his hand at being vindictive. That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff. He said he'd have it out by the end of December. Didn't happen. He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything. He wants an excuse to come back and harass me. It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat. But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked.
So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation." That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear." How the fuck am I supposed to take that?
And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me. The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead. He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus. I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story. I hate the one-sided-ness. In some ways he is coming out on top. At the current moment, he is living with his parents again. That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money. All he's got is hurt feelings. I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment. But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine.
So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it. I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches. But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move. And if not, then what do I do? Stick around here, wasting time for another year? Move in with one of my parents? Move anyway? Nothing seems like a good option.
Fuck I'm a downer today. At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.
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