Misanthropic me

Sometimes I hate everything.  And sometimes I'm completely neutral or aloof.  I hardly ever feel up to social networking myself into friendships but then it bothers me that I don't know more people.  It'd be easier if I didn't care at all, if I really could just abandon everyone and be content with just me. 

Actually, that's not what I want.  What I want is Great friends.  Friends I feel connected to and who I can leave for a while then come back to.

Having moved around and living with the urge to be a nomad, I'm always torn and struggling with the idea of constantly leaving the people I get to know (or don't).  I want to travel, to go everywhere, but I can't bring everyone with me.  That's what makes Great friends so awesome.  When I go back to the few people I really feel connected to it's great.  There's no awkwardness and though things change, not the friendship itself.

I'm such a nerd

I have to say that I love school.  I always feel best when I have classes to go to instead of being stuck at work, day after day doing the same thing.  To me, work seems like a Sartre-esque Hell.  There's absolutely nothing new that happens whereas school is a door to so much interesting stuff.

The first couple days of school are always some of my favorites.  In getting to know the professors, they always reveal their passion for their subject either through lively gestures or intense, never ending knowledge.  That's what I love.

I love that it's a place where everything is interesting, even the "boring" subjects because you can always find some who crazy about it and who's willing to talk your ear off (in the best way possible).  Being surrounded by passion is one of the greatest feelings.

Forever tired

I will never feel rested, but that's kind of not a problem.  I have a crazy strong urge to make the best out of every single second that I can barely let myself sleep.  At times this is a good thing, but if I'm ever in a situation where I can't do anything or feel I can't do anything, it is absolutely crushing.

It is a good motivator, but it's also depressing.  There's always going to be down time.  I can't always do everything ever.  And that sucks, but I need to learn to deal with it without accepting it too much that way I'll still have the drive to do all the awesome stuff I want.

Closed off

Sometimes I really want to open up to someone, I just don't know how to start.  I don't want to make the other person feel weird, so I try to think of ways to go about it nonchalantly, but if I do that, then I'm not succeeding in my goal because that's not how I'm feeling.

I don't want to burden or distress or bore someone if they don't want to know.  But then that leaves no one to tell. 

It would be so great if someone could read my mind and ask me just the right question that opens up everything.  Or at least just nudge me to get me to start.

Ugh

Do you know what it's like to be eaten away at by passion?

It's a constant desire to do, to feel, to relive, to live and it's driving me crazy in a mixed up good bad awesome frustrating way.  Sorry for all the repetition, it's just that there's no single word to describe this.

I want to spread myself out to make everything come true.

Creativity

Recently I've been feeling great urges to Verb.  I want to do everything, try every single thing out.  What's getting me the most is kind of silly...  I want to write a trance album.  Nothing too spaced out, think DJ Onyx.  I haven't tried writing music in almost a decade (doesn't that kind of sentence make you feel old?).  But I've got some stuff to work with.  I've also been drawing a lot more pictures, but none are quite finished yet.

I'm not sure what I should do first, since all seem to have equal urgency on my list of wants.  So I keep ending up spastically switching between things with extreme focus until something in the real world pulls me away.  Last night I was late to pick up my boyfriend from work because I was so busy working on my food website and editing all sorts of different pictures.  I feel like my drive to be awesome is coming back, though it is hard to fight the laziness (damn you Baudelaire!).

Ranting

It won't always be so ranty.  It won't always be so sad and frustrated and angry.  Everything's a phase.  And even if life is what it is except for the distractions, there are at least the distractions.