Be my shoulder

I've been feeling really pathetic recently because I want a shoulder to cry on.  That feels so unnatural to me since I have been emotionally independent for a long time.  But right now I wish I could trust someone to be stronger than me.

What's bringing this up now is what happened at work today as well as all the back-thoughts that go along with it.  Today I asked Ex to get all his stuff by the end of the month because someone new is moving in (oh I hope this isn't another Mooch).  (By the way, if you're a vindictive person and feel like harassing someone for me, Mooch is named Dave and goes by Super Dave on Facebook.  The more I think about him the more I regret that I didn't do something more substantial while he was still here.  Fuck.  But any who.) 

Any who.

So I asked Ex to get his things, and it seemed settled, but we kept talking and that's when things got a bit more upsetting.  I don't remember what it was exactly that got things going down hill, but he started telling me all the bitchy things he could do to me in my current situation.  Things like kick out Roommie (who isn't on the lease yet), come in whenever and without repercussions (since he won't give up his key and is still on the lease), fuck me over financially, cut off the utilities that are in his name, etc.  Yet he said he wasn't trying to threaten me.  Hah.

It's all about power.  I hurt his feelings so he wants to feel like he could fuck me over to get back.  He is trying his hand at being vindictive.  That's also why he's not getting all of his stuff.  He said he'd have it out by the end of December.  Didn't happen.  He's come over more than once since, but refuses to take everything.  He wants an excuse to come back and harass me.  It sucks being on the receiving end, but in a way it's a good thing for his personality--he's being assertive instead of a doormat.  But, like I said, it sucks being the one getting fucked. 

So, after all these threats, he expects me to see the reason in his assertion that he is "being very cool about the situation."  That doesn't fit with his actions or with what he said to me last time he was over: "I want you to live in fear."  How the fuck am I supposed to take that?

And what kills me the most is that he's converted people against me.  The one person I used to talk to seems to be avoiding me and hanging out with him more instead.  He's playing the victim while throwing me under the bus.  I don't necessarily want to be pitied, what I want is for people who bother to know anything, get to know the whole story.  I hate the one-sided-ness.  In some ways he is coming out on top.  At the current moment, he is living with his parents again.  That means no bills, no financial stress, good food, and probably even gas money.  All he's got is hurt feelings.  I guess I should have just abandoned him at the beginning--I shouldn't have tried to stay in the apartment.  But I didn't and don't trust him to take care of his own shit, not to mention mine. 

So much about my current situation seems fucked and I don't see an end, at least not by the time I want it.  I'm unhappy at my job but I'm hoping to move at the end of my lease, so I've halted job searches.  But at this point I don't know if I'm going to have enough saved up to move.  And if not, then what do I do?  Stick around here, wasting time for another year?  Move in with one of my parents?  Move anyway?  Nothing seems like a good option.

Fuck I'm a downer today.  At least I'm making French onion soup for dinner.

What the fuck goes with these goddamn skirts?!

I've had these for a while and totally bought them on a whim and I've worn them maybe about three times.  I'm still kind of shitty with matching, and these don't seem to be for beginners.

I will post better pictures when not drunk.  (High-five empty bottle of rum!)

A Bitching Article

As I start to type this post, I realize the possible misunderstanding that could arise from the title.  "A Bitching Article" or perhaps "A Bitchin' Article" could mean something that is so good, only expletives can adequately describe it.  Or it can mean "an article in which someone bitches."  Unfortunately, given my currrent state of existence, that's the one here.

I've been living with Mooch for about three months now and it's finally hit the breaking point.  He is gone by tomorrow night, thank god.  So, in a way, problems are solved (except financial ones, of course), but in a way they aren't.  The real problem is that it seems as though no one is reliable.  No one is capable of taking care of themselves. 

I will give you some back story to justify my mean attitude.

Three months ago, Mooch broke up with his girlfriend.  Devistated and desperate, whithout anywhere to go, Roommate, Ex, and I decided to let him sleep on our couch when he wasn't sleeping in his car.  Shortly thereafter, he lost his job due to failing to set his alarm clock and having accrued a goodly amount of tardy arrivals.  Note, this was his fault.  We continued to let him stay here, without pay, and even fed him.  Things got better for him within a week or so; he got two jobs and was feeling better about his girlfriend.  Despite this upturn in his life, he did not offer to buy food nor pay rent.

After a month, when Ex moved out, Mooch got his own room and started being responsable for a share of the bills.  Note I said "being responsable" not "paying."  That is part of where the current problem lies.  The two jobs gave him substantial funds with which to pay his first month's dues, but now that January is coming to a close, he is no longer capable.

His two jobs were at Papa John's (not very good; minimum wage and few hours) and a seasonal gig at UPS (great hours and pay, but again, only seasonal).  He knew it wouldn't last, yet he did nothing to ensure his ability to pay his share once the time had come.  He knew this was coming, but his laziness and selfishness prevented him from doing anything to stop this.  Should you find Mooch on the street and ask him about this, he would tell you that Roommate and I were well aware of the situation.  But the sitiation he is refering to, in fact, is that he was planning on leaving mid-Feburary.  Which has nothing to do with one's abilities to pay January's rent. 

Not only does he lack money due to the loss of his good job, but he is also constantly here.  I was out of town for Christmas and New Years, and since I have been back, I have only been in the apartment without him for 5 hours.  He is constantly present and makes his presence known.  And when Roommate and I choose not to keep his company, he sulks.  Even going so far as to cry loudly on the balcony outside of our room.  He is pathetic and will never do anything for himself.

At this point, all he has done to suppliment his income is ask me and Roommate to try to sell his Magic cards.  Here we are approaching a key part of the problem.  See, he is not just inept because that's how he is--there is more to it.  He is stunted.  He is a tall child.  Without help, he cannot manage to feed himself, to provide himself shelter, to get to work on time, to do anything by himself, or to even wipe his own ass.  I cannot tell you how many times he has stolen toilet paper from me for I have lost count. 

I feel like an idiot for putting up with it for so long, and even now he is doing laundry with water and soap he will not pay for.  He only started because I stepped out to go to the apartment office.  Tonight is his last night here and I will relish the moment of relief when I can be alone before the necessity of finding another roommate becomes pressing enough to ruin my contentment. 

This is what I get for trusing other people to be able to take care of themselves. 

An Awkward Spot

That last post was kind of old, actually pretty old.  It was from this summer when I kind of feel like I had a sort of breakdown.  Thinking about it now, I've been leading myself up to it, so it wasn't actually a very big surprise.

I didn't feel like I could read people anymore because I'd slowly but surely been isolating myself from everyone.  All conversations became superficial and I stopped being able to find anything to talk to anyone about.  I felt like I could manage my feelings on my own and didn't (feel the need to / want to / trust anyone enough to) talk about anything that was really on my mind.  I think a lot of people feel that way, though.  (Saying things like that helps me belittle the idea of feelings, which makes it easier to remain a closed shell.)

I had a boyfriend for several years.  And then I broke up with him.  It wasn't as sudden as my syntax implies, though.  I'd been thinking about it for a year or two but felt unable to do anything about it.  I actually tried, once, to break it off.  But we weren't able to move and so I was stuck living with him.  He asked me to get back together and I said yes for convenience.  My plan was to get him a new roommate and then leave the situation, but things didn't work out. 

I ended up breaking up with him then later slept with a mutual friend, our roommate.  Understandibly, that caused a whole mess of drama. 

After the break-up, my ex decided to confess that he had been suicidal and depressed for months and that our roommate and I were the best people to handle the situation, to make him feel better, and banish those terrible thoughts from his head.  We did what we thought would help, but we were ignorant of the right solutions, being mere people.  It was a stressful and unpleasant situation for everybody, and lead to lots of isolation for everyone.  I know that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it, without incurring worry and meddlesome other people who were equally ill-equipped to deal with the situation.  So I tried to deal with it.  Roommate and I found comfort in each other.  Many nights, Ex would fall asleep on the couch early and Rommate and I would talk.  Often times late into the night. 

One of these nights, we happened upon a bottle of whisky and ended up fucking on the balcony.

That did not sit well with Ex.

(This post has become something entirely different than what I had imagined.)

During a horrible night, and after much coaxing, Ex broke Roommate's jaw. 

What followed was a combination of guilt, anger, confusion, and sexual frustration.  I had been attracted to Roommate for a while due to his personality and life-experience, but had never let on or done anything about it until that night.  And based on everything I knew about him, I wasn't expecting anything more than sex from him, but much more has evolved since then.  Despite that, we still cling to the idea of being in an open relationship.  (Funnily enough, I'm the only one who has actively done anything to uphold this title.)  I'm starting to skip parts of history to get to what's really on my mind. 

We announced to each other our desire to be in a relationship on Halloween and began to end some of the awkwardness in dealing with encroaching feelings.  But like I said, it's an open relationship.  This is my first time doing anything like this and I don't know all the rules, but I have started to notice some issues.  None of the other people I've gotten involved with want to leave it at just sex.  People have a habit of falling for me.  And I don't know how to deal with it.

So right now I'm in a relationship that was never supposed to be, but which has turned out to be quite nice.  I actually really enjoy it.  There's no such thing as perfect, but most of the time I'm having fun.  But on the other hand there is a guy from work who seems to want to be there for me in all the ways I doubt about Roommate--it's hard to believe in the emotional side of a sex-based relationship, despite when he tries to comfort me. 

I'm being rushed to leave and end my rant.  Goodnight

Conflict of Interest

So the thing is, this isn't my only outlet.

For about the past semester I've been carrying around one of those green composition books you can get from any drugstore or supermarket.  I've been splitting what I write between here and there.  And honestly, most of it's going there.  That's partially due to convenience, partially due to an extreme shyness and the resulting hesitation to be open about anything.

But here's something to make up for it.

I've been back in Louisiana for only about a week now, but
But I don't know.
I feel weird being here.  It's kind of like when I'm back where I normally live and I'm the only one with a day off.  A lot of my day to day existence circulates around interactions with other people, and I'm used to fitting alone time into small, spread out spaces.  So when everything comes in chunks, I end up with hours of the day passing while I sit there feeling like I should be doing something else.

Part of me wants to stay because I don't want to feel that way.  I feel guilty about a feeling, so I try to change why I had it in the first place.  It's not just that though.  It's not too hard to see how different things are around here, and sometimes it's pretty nice just to experience something out of the usual.  There's also people around here I like to see and all that.

And even before I came here, I started getting uneasy about social situations.  I felt like I couldn't read people anymore and didn't know how to respond to anything.  That made all sorts of interactions incredibly difficult.

I'm kind of rambling.  Thinking about this earlier, I'd even come up with a dramatic finish, but it doesn't seem like it will really fit now.

Shut up ho, you got too much self-confidence

I feel like people a lot of times don't have enough doubt.  That they're too adamant about what they think they know, and with a little, well-measured self doubt, many misunderstandings and arguments wouldn't happen.  I'd also think of fewer people as complete dumbasses. 

Insisting on something that is wrong is infuriating for those who know.  Especially since those who are pushing their misconceptions usually aren't open to being corrected.  I guess all of this stems back to ignorance.  Nobody wants to be ignorant, which is kind of understandable.  But instead of recognizing and doing something about it, many tend to pick an idea and run with it, defending it until the end, even when they don't even know why they think it in the first place.

I'm a person who likes to argue/debate.  But this is something that makes it incredibly difficult.  There can be no debate, no moving forward, if nobody recognizes that they might not know everything.  Within my circle of people I know, I think this is related to the anti-intellectual trend around here.  Some try very hard to prove that they don't have to care about learning to be a smart-ass, while others are so devoted to the idea that school is necessary that they feel like they can't be defeated in any sort of debate, ever.  Both sides are wrong, but neither is able to compromise. 

The more you learn, the more you come to realize that you don't know hardly anything.  I've really come to see that this semester as I've been branching out, particularly in government.  But this is something people refuse to accept.  Everyone is an expert of their own perception, and then they impose that on the rest of us.

Antiquated infatuation

Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with the past.  I have trouble relating to politics today because I only know about the roots.  Same as with literature--I have no idea what big trends are happening right now, but ask be about turn of the century and a little after (and of course before), I'll talk your ear off.  It feels alienating because I'm unable to talk to many people.  About half of my current friends didn't go to college, don't have any interest to go, and some are all out intellectual-haters.  I don't know how it happened, but maybe it's just *insert regionalist slur*. 

But then sometimes I look at the big picture and it seems like a bunch of society is doing it.  Think about how many efforts are out there to restore art and architecture.  In ways unlike before, we are studying the past without destroying it.  This is somewhat due to innovations in technology--we no longer have to cut open mummies, we have ultrasound, etc etc.  But it also seems to be something that appeals to us at this moment.  Vintage clothing, retro style is all about cataloging the past and incorporating it into the present.  It seems like this is happening to the extent that today, we don't have an identity--everything is a mashed-up, borrowed combination of every previous trend. 

This reminds me of Girl Talk and other mash-up musicians.  I wonder about the authenticity of their craft.  Yes they are creating, but not from individual materials.  But if you think about music specifically, it's pretty much been impossible to make anything new for centuries.  There are only so many notes, so many novel combinations.  But listening to his music, it's impossible to say that his songs don't evoke different emotions than their original pieces.   Yet, when I recognize the components, it just reminds me of how I feel when I listen to them individually. 

And even still, writing about this idea that nothing is new, everything is done, I can't help but think about Baudelaire and how not much has changed in 150 years.