Conflict of Interest

So the thing is, this isn't my only outlet.

For about the past semester I've been carrying around one of those green composition books you can get from any drugstore or supermarket.  I've been splitting what I write between here and there.  And honestly, most of it's going there.  That's partially due to convenience, partially due to an extreme shyness and the resulting hesitation to be open about anything.

But here's something to make up for it.

I've been back in Louisiana for only about a week now, but
But I don't know.
I feel weird being here.  It's kind of like when I'm back where I normally live and I'm the only one with a day off.  A lot of my day to day existence circulates around interactions with other people, and I'm used to fitting alone time into small, spread out spaces.  So when everything comes in chunks, I end up with hours of the day passing while I sit there feeling like I should be doing something else.

Part of me wants to stay because I don't want to feel that way.  I feel guilty about a feeling, so I try to change why I had it in the first place.  It's not just that though.  It's not too hard to see how different things are around here, and sometimes it's pretty nice just to experience something out of the usual.  There's also people around here I like to see and all that.

And even before I came here, I started getting uneasy about social situations.  I felt like I couldn't read people anymore and didn't know how to respond to anything.  That made all sorts of interactions incredibly difficult.

I'm kind of rambling.  Thinking about this earlier, I'd even come up with a dramatic finish, but it doesn't seem like it will really fit now.

Shut up ho, you got too much self-confidence

I feel like people a lot of times don't have enough doubt.  That they're too adamant about what they think they know, and with a little, well-measured self doubt, many misunderstandings and arguments wouldn't happen.  I'd also think of fewer people as complete dumbasses. 

Insisting on something that is wrong is infuriating for those who know.  Especially since those who are pushing their misconceptions usually aren't open to being corrected.  I guess all of this stems back to ignorance.  Nobody wants to be ignorant, which is kind of understandable.  But instead of recognizing and doing something about it, many tend to pick an idea and run with it, defending it until the end, even when they don't even know why they think it in the first place.

I'm a person who likes to argue/debate.  But this is something that makes it incredibly difficult.  There can be no debate, no moving forward, if nobody recognizes that they might not know everything.  Within my circle of people I know, I think this is related to the anti-intellectual trend around here.  Some try very hard to prove that they don't have to care about learning to be a smart-ass, while others are so devoted to the idea that school is necessary that they feel like they can't be defeated in any sort of debate, ever.  Both sides are wrong, but neither is able to compromise. 

The more you learn, the more you come to realize that you don't know hardly anything.  I've really come to see that this semester as I've been branching out, particularly in government.  But this is something people refuse to accept.  Everyone is an expert of their own perception, and then they impose that on the rest of us.

Antiquated infatuation

Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with the past.  I have trouble relating to politics today because I only know about the roots.  Same as with literature--I have no idea what big trends are happening right now, but ask be about turn of the century and a little after (and of course before), I'll talk your ear off.  It feels alienating because I'm unable to talk to many people.  About half of my current friends didn't go to college, don't have any interest to go, and some are all out intellectual-haters.  I don't know how it happened, but maybe it's just *insert regionalist slur*. 

But then sometimes I look at the big picture and it seems like a bunch of society is doing it.  Think about how many efforts are out there to restore art and architecture.  In ways unlike before, we are studying the past without destroying it.  This is somewhat due to innovations in technology--we no longer have to cut open mummies, we have ultrasound, etc etc.  But it also seems to be something that appeals to us at this moment.  Vintage clothing, retro style is all about cataloging the past and incorporating it into the present.  It seems like this is happening to the extent that today, we don't have an identity--everything is a mashed-up, borrowed combination of every previous trend. 

This reminds me of Girl Talk and other mash-up musicians.  I wonder about the authenticity of their craft.  Yes they are creating, but not from individual materials.  But if you think about music specifically, it's pretty much been impossible to make anything new for centuries.  There are only so many notes, so many novel combinations.  But listening to his music, it's impossible to say that his songs don't evoke different emotions than their original pieces.   Yet, when I recognize the components, it just reminds me of how I feel when I listen to them individually. 

And even still, writing about this idea that nothing is new, everything is done, I can't help but think about Baudelaire and how not much has changed in 150 years.

Be careful what you hate

I've noticed that people pretend to like things that they find annoying.  I guess they're trying to be ironic?  I think that's where much of the success for shitty things comes from, like Jersey Shores, crappy music, and bad internet memes.  (I've lost friends to Jersey Shores, that's why I singled it out.  It's close to my heart, sigh.)

It's starts off a joke.  "Hey let's listen to that Waka Flaka song, it's so dumb!"  No harm, right?  Then it turns into, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I bought the box set of Jersey Shore and started fist pumping like a guido?--Haha, totally dude!"  It's a sneaky spiral that people constantly fall for. 

People are becoming what they hate.

But it doesn't have to happen.  When you don't like something, just don't listen to/watch/read it.  There's no point in subjecting yourself to something terrible just because you can make fun of it.  It's a fact that the more you subject yourself to something annoying, the more your brain enjoys it.  Even starts to crave it.  Remember those Head-On commercials?  That is something you will never forget in your entire life.

Not only does indulging in terrible things degrade your soul, it also makes producers want to make more terrible things.  The advertisers don't care why you watch/listen, the fact is that when you do, you're giving them money and telling them that what they're doing is ok.  It's not. 

A wa re

There's probably no escaping me talking about literature since it's such a huge part of my life.  It's what I study and it's what connects Everything to Everything.  So here's another post about it.

One of my favorite books is The Tale of Genji.  I'm not quite sure why, but I've been thinking it through recently.  I think a part of that book for me is feeling like I can relate to certain aspects of that world.  At least I find some of it appealing.  In a strange way, it feels like nostalgia, though I know I wasn't around during the Heian period.

I feel a longing for that kind of world where all that exists strives to be beautiful, and that beauty exists not only topically, but on a spiritual level.  Being beautiful is being godly.  But since nothing on this plane of existence is truly godly, everything will pass, will fade away, will lose it's shine, will be reduced to nothing.  That is あわれ, the inherit sadness of all things beautiful.  It's a type of pleasant sadness that is very appealing and universal.  Nothing can escape the flow of time; that is what destroys everything.  As each moment passes, it will no longer exist.  It is lost forever.  Memories are a sort of pleasant torture.  There's happiness at having felt/experienced whatever emotion, but sadness at knowing that it will never again be.  It is nothing that can be combated against; all there is is to accept it and try to appreciate every passing moment.  No matter what, life is sad.

Misanthropic me

Sometimes I hate everything.  And sometimes I'm completely neutral or aloof.  I hardly ever feel up to social networking myself into friendships but then it bothers me that I don't know more people.  It'd be easier if I didn't care at all, if I really could just abandon everyone and be content with just me. 

Actually, that's not what I want.  What I want is Great friends.  Friends I feel connected to and who I can leave for a while then come back to.

Having moved around and living with the urge to be a nomad, I'm always torn and struggling with the idea of constantly leaving the people I get to know (or don't).  I want to travel, to go everywhere, but I can't bring everyone with me.  That's what makes Great friends so awesome.  When I go back to the few people I really feel connected to it's great.  There's no awkwardness and though things change, not the friendship itself.

I'm such a nerd

I have to say that I love school.  I always feel best when I have classes to go to instead of being stuck at work, day after day doing the same thing.  To me, work seems like a Sartre-esque Hell.  There's absolutely nothing new that happens whereas school is a door to so much interesting stuff.

The first couple days of school are always some of my favorites.  In getting to know the professors, they always reveal their passion for their subject either through lively gestures or intense, never ending knowledge.  That's what I love.

I love that it's a place where everything is interesting, even the "boring" subjects because you can always find some who crazy about it and who's willing to talk your ear off (in the best way possible).  Being surrounded by passion is one of the greatest feelings.