Misanthropic me

Sometimes I hate everything.  And sometimes I'm completely neutral or aloof.  I hardly ever feel up to social networking myself into friendships but then it bothers me that I don't know more people.  It'd be easier if I didn't care at all, if I really could just abandon everyone and be content with just me. 

Actually, that's not what I want.  What I want is Great friends.  Friends I feel connected to and who I can leave for a while then come back to.

Having moved around and living with the urge to be a nomad, I'm always torn and struggling with the idea of constantly leaving the people I get to know (or don't).  I want to travel, to go everywhere, but I can't bring everyone with me.  That's what makes Great friends so awesome.  When I go back to the few people I really feel connected to it's great.  There's no awkwardness and though things change, not the friendship itself.

I'm such a nerd

I have to say that I love school.  I always feel best when I have classes to go to instead of being stuck at work, day after day doing the same thing.  To me, work seems like a Sartre-esque Hell.  There's absolutely nothing new that happens whereas school is a door to so much interesting stuff.

The first couple days of school are always some of my favorites.  In getting to know the professors, they always reveal their passion for their subject either through lively gestures or intense, never ending knowledge.  That's what I love.

I love that it's a place where everything is interesting, even the "boring" subjects because you can always find some who crazy about it and who's willing to talk your ear off (in the best way possible).  Being surrounded by passion is one of the greatest feelings.

Forever tired

I will never feel rested, but that's kind of not a problem.  I have a crazy strong urge to make the best out of every single second that I can barely let myself sleep.  At times this is a good thing, but if I'm ever in a situation where I can't do anything or feel I can't do anything, it is absolutely crushing.

It is a good motivator, but it's also depressing.  There's always going to be down time.  I can't always do everything ever.  And that sucks, but I need to learn to deal with it without accepting it too much that way I'll still have the drive to do all the awesome stuff I want.

Closed off

Sometimes I really want to open up to someone, I just don't know how to start.  I don't want to make the other person feel weird, so I try to think of ways to go about it nonchalantly, but if I do that, then I'm not succeeding in my goal because that's not how I'm feeling.

I don't want to burden or distress or bore someone if they don't want to know.  But then that leaves no one to tell. 

It would be so great if someone could read my mind and ask me just the right question that opens up everything.  Or at least just nudge me to get me to start.

Ugh

Do you know what it's like to be eaten away at by passion?

It's a constant desire to do, to feel, to relive, to live and it's driving me crazy in a mixed up good bad awesome frustrating way.  Sorry for all the repetition, it's just that there's no single word to describe this.

I want to spread myself out to make everything come true.

Creativity

Recently I've been feeling great urges to Verb.  I want to do everything, try every single thing out.  What's getting me the most is kind of silly...  I want to write a trance album.  Nothing too spaced out, think DJ Onyx.  I haven't tried writing music in almost a decade (doesn't that kind of sentence make you feel old?).  But I've got some stuff to work with.  I've also been drawing a lot more pictures, but none are quite finished yet.

I'm not sure what I should do first, since all seem to have equal urgency on my list of wants.  So I keep ending up spastically switching between things with extreme focus until something in the real world pulls me away.  Last night I was late to pick up my boyfriend from work because I was so busy working on my food website and editing all sorts of different pictures.  I feel like my drive to be awesome is coming back, though it is hard to fight the laziness (damn you Baudelaire!).

Ranting

It won't always be so ranty.  It won't always be so sad and frustrated and angry.  Everything's a phase.  And even if life is what it is except for the distractions, there are at least the distractions.

People are strange

I have been feeling so weird lately and I'm having trouble putting words to it.

But it won't always be like this, sorry to be a let down for the moment.  It will get better.

It's very hard to be honest, so I might end up doing this whole angsty, mysterious thing until I open up a little more.

L is for...

These next couple of posts might  be a little depressing.  So sorry about that.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I don't trust anyone.  I know it's not my issue because she was only my friend (not family) but still, we've known each other since elementary school and I loved her.  I haven't even written anything because I've been overcome with this feeling of lethargy.  There's no point to anything right now, so I might as well distract myself with childish video games and cartoons, right?

I can't trust anyone, no one knows the whole story, everyone I know has been lied to and I can't stop now.

I might come back to this one day and be less vague, but probably not.

Ingenuity

And that's not a bad quality at all.

I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but any sort of strife (yes, the lack of a cork screw can constitute a sort of strife) can lead to great things.

(See I'm not just trying to dumb things down; there's still a moral.)

Web Comics

Recently I've been able to relate to a lot of web comics and it's been making me think more and more of venturing down that path.  Though I do doodle quite frequently, I've never done it with any consistency or theme or even style.

I wonder if a pointillism web comic would work...?

I probably wouldn't go that far.  I'd either end up scanning things in or getting really good at MS Paint again.

UPDATE:
Probably not here actually.  I'm in the middle of prepping for a different site to put web-comic-like doodles and pictures up.  Once that's going I'll give you the address.

UPDATE AGAIN:
Here's the url.
http://candymantis.blogspot.com/
I update it even less than I do here, but I hope that will change soon.  I have tons of hard-copies of drawings that I just need to scan in.  I guess that's what days off should be for.

Moving on Up

For the most part, every move I've ever made has been to somewhere better.  As I grew up, I went from whay my family lovingly called "the crack house" (where we lived when I was around 2-3) to "the big blue house" and "the house in Orange Tree," etc.  And for the most part, every new place has been better.  Even now, living sort of on my own, I'm still experiencing that.  I'm currently in the middle of moving, and even though my new place is a little smaller, I don't have to deal with the same petty roommate issues like in my last place.  So in many ways, it feels so much better.

(Man I want to rant about roommate bullshit so much right now, but I feel wrong burdening you--maybe later then.)

So far I've got everything I need.  There are a couple things I want, like more bookshelves (apparently 3 isn't enough), a coffee table, etc, but I've got all the basics of personal happiness--my very well stocked kitchen (hoo-ray for families), my comfy sheets, my tora.   I expect all should go well.  I've even started decorating a little.  Most of the boxes are still packed, and I've started decorating.  But hey, it makes me like the place that much more because I'm able to express myself in more than just my corner of my room.  I'll load pictures soon, my homage to Don Quixote makes me smile in a special way.

 The view from my balcony before they cut my tree.

Live Music Capital of the World

So I've been in my town for a while without truly delving into one of the things that makes it so special--live music.  But recently I've been exploring the live 8 bit music scene and it's been awesome.  During spring break I went to Datapop 3, took tons of pics and videos (which I plan on uploading) and tonight I just got back from seeing the Mysterious H.  There weren't many people there, but the energy was still really good.  And it turns out that this is sort of a monthly thing--getting people together for an 8 bit music performance.  I have expectations that it will grow and become more rowdy, especially as I do my part by bringing along friends.

I love the feel of concerts.  No matter what kind, there's always a good vibe from the people that are just so happy to be there.  Dancy concerts might be my favorite because all inhibitions melt away as the crowd pulsates as one entity.  Thoughts like that make me think I'd like to go to a rave, but nobody seems as interested as me.  One day I plan on going anyway.

And even though its a school night, and I also have work in the morning, I'm so glad I went.  There are just some things that I would gladly trade sleep for.  It was also cool hanging out with "the band" and his friends afterward.  I do need to get better at skee ball though.

Turn to the left

I know this is going to seem shallow compared to that last post, but it's part of me too.

Recently I've been paying more attention to clothes and fashion and makeup.  Things that never interested me before.  I grew up a tom-boy, and spent puberty with my dad.  And because I was smaller than my younger sister, many of my things were hand-me-downs.  Only recently, have I had clothes that fit me right.  And I have to say it's kind of nice.  But moving away from that bliss of not caring what I look like to wanting to look like me has made me feel so awkward.  I feel too shy to wear cute things because I never did before.  And there are things I'll see at the store that I like but I know I'll never wear because I would feel too weird.  It's almost like I've created a character for myself and all my clothes have to follow that.  That's silly, I know, but it's hard to not follow it. 

A good thing that has come from this is a reevaluation of my wardrobe.  Sometimes when I'm feeling creative I'll try to pair random things in my closet to see how they work together.  Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.  But either way it makes me feel good to know that I can find ways to incorporate different elements into an outfit so that I can wear something without feeling too wrong about it.  A lot of times its really simple, but I like how it comes out.

Rosario Castellanos

I'm currently taking a Spanish Literature class called "South American Literature since Post Modernism" and when I signed up for it I didn't know what I was getting in to.  I've taken more than one lit class, but they've mostly been in French, and we barely made it past WWII.  For the first time in a while (in a lit class) I was a little lost.

But it's turning out to be awesome.  I've discovering a whole new world and new ways of thinking.  (One thing that I love most about literature is the philosophy behind the movements.  And I can't even decide which one I like the most.  For a while it was the Enlightenment, but then I started learning about the Romantics and after that resurged my love of Poe and came my discovery of Baudelaire and then how his way of thinking influenced the modernist movement and how everything comes from everything else.  I just get overwhelmed with the awesomeness of literary evolution that I can't even write a proper sentence.)

I feel so inspired everyday I walk out of that class.  And I never gripe about doing the readings.  Sometimes it even makes me want to write myself.  The modernists inspired poetry in me, and I plan to start working on that soon.  I've also grown the desire to become a cosmopolita ensayista and write about the world.

And today we talked about Rosario Castellanos.  I've always been a bit weary about feminist literature because most of what I've been exposed to was stereotypes about the feminazi and that just wasn't appealing to me.  It's true that I had read some works in high school that stuck out to me, but I never moved on past those.  The two that have stayed with me are "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin and and essay "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady (Syfers).  Both left an impression on me, and I enjoyed both very much.  I like sad, dramatic, meaningful endings and irony.  They're different from one another but share the same feminist message.  Rosario Castellanos was very similar to both of them.  She has a sharp irony that doesn't hide her meaning.  And one thing I thought about today was the fact that feminist writers have to be extremely talented.  Their message and ideology rely on the fact that women are just as good as men (sometimes better) and to prove that they have to Be better than men.  To prove their worth as writers, they have to surpass their male peers in their shared craft.  They have to be extremely ironic, witty and knowledgeable to even be noticed, and this leads to the development of writers of extreme talent.

Right now I am majoring in French and Spanish.  I do plan on teaching abroad, but as far as continuing my studies goes, I've been considering delving into Comparative Literature.  Today's lecture made me start considering focusing on the feminist movements in both regions (the only problem is that I don't know a whole lot about France's feminist movements, so I'll have to get working on that).

I'm really grateful to be in school.  Sure there are dumb greedy burecratical issues, but there's so much knowledge to be gained I almost can't stand it.


Update from 5/21/13:

I've found myself returning to Latin American literature.  The spark came one night when M, S, R, and I were drinking in a park at night and two strangers approached.  One was a poet and loved to talk ideas.  We talked about the art of today--the poetry and break dancing, music and movement--and where it comes from.  It got me thinking in old veins.

A few days ago I was temporally stranded so I took shelter in the library nearby and checked out multiple books, one of which is  "Interviews with Latin American Writers" by Marie-Lise Gazarian Gautier.

The first interview is with Isabel Allende who recognizes that she comes "from a continent where women have had to make twice the effort to obtain half the recognition in any field" (21).  Especially when it comes to writing.  Writing handles Ideas and "[g]aining acceptance into the world of ideas has been the hardest task for women" (21). 

I think that this is a truth on more than her continent but it is one that has been surpassed to some extent.  Maybe surpassed is too strong a word then, because we haven't gotten rid of it completely.  Women are accepted in most fields, but still not quite seen as equals.  We still need to prove ourselves by out-doing everyone else. 

I would make a terrible Buddhist

It's not because of a tolerance issue or anything, it's just because I want too much.  I won't be happy if I spend my life at some job I don't love and never being able to accomplish what I want.
Maybe it's a good thing; I have drive.  But maybe not.

I want to...
Go to grad school for comparative literature, become an expert, and write books.
Travel the world and actually Live in the places I go to.
Teach English abroad.
Be passively successful (so as to avoid a crappy job).
Have skills, learn how to do everything that piques my interest.
Have an extensive library in whatever place I call home.
Never have to worry about money during my crazy adventures.

They seem impossible, but at the same time I'm hopeful.  I feel like if I work and hope hard enough, then I'll get there.

Wish me luck.

I just spent my Sunday walking through the forest in 3 inch heels

This past weekend was the opening weekend of Sherwood Forest.  Which is basically a smaller Renaissance Festival. And it was bad ass.

I made my own costume this time.  That was the first time I've ever done anything like that, and even though it wasn't very elaborate, I think it came out nicely. 

 

It was really simple.  I had an old green dress that I wore once as part of a Halloween costume that I'd never worn since.  That's what made my tank top and skirt.  I used eyelets and a shoelace to make the lace up the front of the tank.  They eyelets came from a craft store and cost less than $5, the shoelaces from the grocery store.  The belt came from Ross and the stockings are just generic stockings.

My favorite part is the boots.

 

I got them as a Christmas present recently.  They were kind of expensive, but I've been getting a lot of use out of them.  Though they are tall, they're not terribly uncomfortable, and they're basically my first pair of heels and I've been managing them perfectly.  They also work really well with jeans.  

I actually tried on some clothes while I was there too and there was one specific outfit that I liked a lot.

I really liked this one.  Especially the corset (they're so sexy!).  But the cheapest part of that outfit was $40, so I don't think I'll be getting it for a while.  But the good news is that it is made up of very simple components: two skirts, a shirt with an open front, and a corset.  I do already have a corset and some flowy skirts, so I tried to recreate it at home.  

 

To make it more interesting, I tucked up a part of the skirts into my waist.  It made it look more ruffly and brought out a nice color contrast.

The corset came from Charlotte Russe and was around $3 (hoo-ray for the discount rack!) 

The skirts were hand me downs from my mom, but they have been growing in popularity and I think I saw some at Forever 21 last time I was there

And the shirt was just a tight, low cut shirt I got from somewhere in France, H&M, I think.

It was a fair attempt at a reproduction, I think.  And because it was less extreme, it's something I could possibly were around (should I ever gather the courage to wear a skirt outside).

I love snow

I can't stand the cold weather.  I'm one of those people.  The minute it drops below 77 degrees, I'm under a blanket, making myself some tea or hot chocolate.  But when it snows, it makes it all worth it.

Yesterday it snowed from 9.30 am until around 11 that night.  There were some breaks, but it was awesome.  I also only had one class so I was able to take a ton of pictures.

It feels so much like a fairy tale to see snow.  This is probably the fifth time I've even seen it, and only the third that there's actually been enough to play in.

It put me in a good mood all day long.  And I spent most of my day walking around taking pictures (until it was time to go home and make candy, but that's another story).

Scholarships

These next few days might be a little bare.  I just found out that I'm eligible for a scholarship from the French Department, but the deadline for the application is the 26th (oh no!) and I still need to go get a letter of recommendation.  It should work out, but there will definitely be some running around.

I'm also looking into becoming a tutor to help out with the money worries.  (My job recently started cutting my hours and I'm only able to work three days out of the week in the first place, so that kind of sucks.)  But that's not very stressful.  Wish me luck!  I'll let you know how things end up.

Post Number One

The title to this may seem a bit uncreative, but honestly, at this point I don't want to impose anything on the formation of this experiment.  This isn't my first blog, but it's my first blog like this.  As of right now, I don't have a direction and I want to see how this will unfold.